Up at 4:40 AM seeing my husband off to work while I am no longer in the 9-5 seems selfish and self-serving. Hubs and I so enjoy our mornings reading and talking about what He is saying to us.
This morning it was the word YIELD....
A new year 2011
A year of yielding to Your Spirit 'gifted' to me..of praying for others 'all the time' and for others and myself to follow wherever You lead KNOWING it is You leading. Yielded to that promise. A year of obedience.
While all this sounds wildly exciting to me it is also RISKY and scary. The "I wills" introduced into my life by the DG/CPM studies have to be deeply ingrained in my life if I ever hope to be a light. So today I WILL pray all the time and yield to whatever / however You answer.
Thank You Abba for continually showing me the power of Your Word and I pray that all of us whom Jesus saves sink deeply into it and see what You have. I pray for a community of Christ followers YIELDED to Your will.
Monday, November 29, 2010
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Matthew 14-16
This is my last day of 9-5, retiring without the benefits of retirement, what the hell are we thinking?? It will be a time in our lives of complete God dependence, wanting to live the same w/our giving without the benefit of another salary. Wanting to do more relationally in ministry, in DG studies, in familial relationships w/out the constraints of a job and now I am giving up an incredible amount of relationships what the hell was i thinking....I am so scared Abba that again I have quit and runaway from something....it didn't seem that way this last year thinking and praying about it BUT I always fool myself and now I've done it. Please help us to not sink into a financial abyss we can't come out of. Please help me to offer myself counterintuitively to and in situations for Your Kingdom. Please GUIDE Us and forgive me if I have simply created something we can't get out of. Please help my husband...THANK You for him, for his encouragement and excitement in what we are attempting.
The readings today filled w/stories that inspire me even in such fear. It's not like I believe God said 'quit your job' I do believe tho that in being prayerful this last year it is an act of faith on both our parts and just because today I am 'seeing the wind', doesn't mean it's wrong, doesn't mean it's right either just a step of faith and in the hard of it, the impossibility of it when we keep our eyes, our hearts on Him we will get through it the way He desires us to. But oh Abba the wind is sure scary right now...the numbers are staggering and I am weak.
The readings today filled w/stories that inspire me even in such fear. It's not like I believe God said 'quit your job' I do believe tho that in being prayerful this last year it is an act of faith on both our parts and just because today I am 'seeing the wind', doesn't mean it's wrong, doesn't mean it's right either just a step of faith and in the hard of it, the impossibility of it when we keep our eyes, our hearts on Him we will get through it the way He desires us to. But oh Abba the wind is sure scary right now...the numbers are staggering and I am weak.
Monday, November 22, 2010
Went to a meeting Friday nite and I left sad by the questions by long-timers, my judgementalism as usual…..I don’t know how to do it why do I think them honestly asking questions is bad??
I left w/a gal who was so excited to see a movement……a gal burned by church and people, be fired up about a room full of people who wanted to bring others to Christ, to relationships that will fuel fires of love and service.
It was quite surprising and amazing really the perspective differences...like I said humbling and amazing.
I remember the first time you empowered me Roy to listen for/HEAR His voice…the Holy Spirit and I can’t wait to do that with more and more people yearning deeply to become followers of Christ, not leaders maybe of Small Groups ( I know can you believe I said that) but in the context of sitting in living rooms or board rooms learning together to HEAR His voice. And I have so much to learn……..
Your ears are open but you don't hear a thing.
Your eyes are awake but you don't see a thing.
The people are blockheads!
They stick their fingers in their ears
so they won't have to listen;
They screw their eyes shut
so they won't have to look,
so they won't have to deal with me face-to-face
and let me heal them.
16-17"But you have God-blessed eyes—eyes that see! And God-blessed ears—ears that hear! A lot of people, prophets and humble believers among them, would have given anything to see what you are seeing, to hear what you are hearing, but never had the chance.
And then this morning reading Matthew 13…gifted in Faith… ½ I and ½ S filled w/optimism in addition to the gift of FAITH….I was THANKING Him for that gift for the blessing of believing and reading everyday learning more and more about Him and I don’t want to tell my story?? to say how many years it’s been of failing….of how I didn’t know what I was talking about, about judging them for not coming or not reading the book or…..whatever else I used to measure them and their growth, oh yeah my failure was about their growth and meanwhile He was about teaching me to grow…humbling me to loving them. I don’t know if this makes sense or fits but to all of you who have discipled me…how can I NOT desire to disciple others to be a part of a MOVEMENT to see more and more come to relationship w/Him…..
Friday, November 19, 2010
Matthew 1-4
Had a great morning w/Dan praying for the Grands and Greats to come....just praying for them to be adventuresome souls and knowing that THAT adventure w/come w/hearts seeking after Christ so praying for our Grands to seek after You.....such a cool way to start the day, praying for new hearts we may never even know....
it's not about carrying on a name or traditions of a family...it's about forging into Your family, invited and welcomed creating a legacy of God seeking, Christ following, Spirit led .... hearts.....or at least this morning, that's what we prayed for. :)
it's not about carrying on a name or traditions of a family...it's about forging into Your family, invited and welcomed creating a legacy of God seeking, Christ following, Spirit led .... hearts.....or at least this morning, that's what we prayed for. :)
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Psalm 124; 2 Cor. 11-13
Been praying to learn to give it / this away and now that it looks like there might be hope to learn I can't waste a moment in SHAME at how freakin long it is taking me....can't waste a moment worrying about what it will look like, at beating myself up w/lack of communication skills......to not move and LISTEN, learn....be obedient to what I hear and am taught.....and I do Abba, more than anything want to learn to give it away.
So, this verse THIS morning means alot....2 Cor. 12: 7-10Because of the extravagance of those revelations, and so I wouldn't get a big head, I was given the gift of a handicap (failure) to keep me in constant touch with my limitations. Satan's angel did his best to get me down; what he in fact did was push me to my knees. No danger then of walking around high and mighty! At first I didn't think of it as a gift, and begged God to remove it. Three times I did that, and then he told me,
And then he goes on to tell us to check ourselves before we wreck ourselves..loosely translated of course..... and the only way I have found is to daily come here and allow YOU to soften me so others can TEACH me....I am a stubborn slow learner....hopefully that is something else YOU are changing in me....
So, this verse THIS morning means alot....2 Cor. 12: 7-10Because of the extravagance of those revelations, and so I wouldn't get a big head, I was given the gift of a handicap (failure) to keep me in constant touch with my limitations. Satan's angel did his best to get me down; what he in fact did was push me to my knees. No danger then of walking around high and mighty! At first I didn't think of it as a gift, and begged God to remove it. Three times I did that, and then he told me,
My grace is enough; it's all you need.
My strength comes into its own in your weakness.
Once I heard that, I was glad to let it happen. I quit focusing on the handicap and began appreciating the gift. It was a case of Christ's strength moving in on my weakness. Now I take limitations in stride, and with good cheer, these limitations that cut me down to size—abuse, accidents, opposition, bad breaks. I just let Christ take over! And so the weaker I get, the stronger I become. And then he goes on to tell us to check ourselves before we wreck ourselves..loosely translated of course..... and the only way I have found is to daily come here and allow YOU to soften me so others can TEACH me....I am a stubborn slow learner....hopefully that is something else YOU are changing in me....
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
2 Corinthians 7-10
I guess it's good to feel like a fish out of water...dying to self(?) needing YOU desperately for the very next breath.....I guess it's good but not painless.....I desperately want to stay here Abba and pray I don't try to do it on my own again...I know, I know...I will, I will forget the comfort You offer.....I will start acting again like I got things figured out.....even tho in this moment feeling this weak and unknowing there is so much hope in me.....Paul was so right about all of it and that too gives me comfort.
It's only about Jesus......today to remember that. Joyfully, humbly remember that.
It's only about Jesus......today to remember that. Joyfully, humbly remember that.
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
2 Corinthians 3-6
To stick w/the 'not moving' metaphor....I feel like I am being smothered 'under it'.....so today to really listen and know I'm not, I'm just wanting to get up and run around like Ricky Bobby and You know this so .......breathe and listen to and for YOU.
2 Corinthians 4: 7-12If you only look at us, you might well miss the brightness. We carry this precious Message around in the unadorned clay pots of our ordinary lives. That's to prevent anyone from confusing God's incomparable power with us. As it is, there's not much chance of that. You know for yourselves that we're not much to look at. We've been surrounded and battered by troubles, but we're not demoralized; we're not sure what to do, but we know that God knows what to do; we've been spiritually terrorized, but God hasn't left our side; we've been thrown down, but we haven't broken. What they did to Jesus, they do to us—trial and torture, mockery and murder; what Jesus did among them, he does in us—he lives! Our lives are at constant risk for Jesus' sake, which makes Jesus' life all the more evident in us. While we're going through the worst, you're getting in on the best! (there, that sentence right there......what if learning THAT is what this is about. Not that I am going through the worst but what if this time is preparing me for that. That in and under something really bad I would be...could be so focused on You, I don't know what to do, will never know to do the right thing but YOU DO and You are teaching me to listen for that....??? :) )
16-18 So we're not giving up. How could we! Even though on the outside it often looks like things are falling apart on us, on the inside, where God is making new life, not a day goes by without his unfolding grace. These hard times are small potatoes compared to the coming good times, the lavish celebration prepared for us. There's far more here than meets the eye. The things we see now are here today, gone tomorrow. But the things we can't see now will last forever.
:) 2 Corinthians 5 1-5 For instance, we know that when these bodies of ours are taken down like tents and folded away, they will be replaced by resurrection bodies in heaven—God-made, not handmade—and we'll never have to relocate our "tents" again. Sometimes we can hardly wait to move—and so we cry out in frustration. Compared to what's coming, living conditions around here seem like a stopover in an unfurnished shack, and we're tired of it! We've been given a glimpse of the real thing, our true home, our resurrection bodies! The Spirit of God whets our appetite by giving us a taste of what's ahead. He puts a little of heaven in our hearts so that we'll never settle for less.
6-8 That's why we live with such good cheer. You won't see us drooping our heads or dragging our feet! Cramped conditions here don't get us down.(learn this) They only remind us of the spacious living conditions ahead. It's what we trust in but don't yet see that keeps us going. Do you suppose a few ruts in the road or rocks in the path are going to stop us? When the time comes, we'll be plenty ready to exchange exile for homecoming.
2 Corinthians 4: 7-12If you only look at us, you might well miss the brightness. We carry this precious Message around in the unadorned clay pots of our ordinary lives. That's to prevent anyone from confusing God's incomparable power with us. As it is, there's not much chance of that. You know for yourselves that we're not much to look at. We've been surrounded and battered by troubles, but we're not demoralized; we're not sure what to do, but we know that God knows what to do; we've been spiritually terrorized, but God hasn't left our side; we've been thrown down, but we haven't broken. What they did to Jesus, they do to us—trial and torture, mockery and murder; what Jesus did among them, he does in us—he lives! Our lives are at constant risk for Jesus' sake, which makes Jesus' life all the more evident in us. While we're going through the worst, you're getting in on the best! (there, that sentence right there......what if learning THAT is what this is about. Not that I am going through the worst but what if this time is preparing me for that. That in and under something really bad I would be...could be so focused on You, I don't know what to do, will never know to do the right thing but YOU DO and You are teaching me to listen for that....??? :) )
16-18 So we're not giving up. How could we! Even though on the outside it often looks like things are falling apart on us, on the inside, where God is making new life, not a day goes by without his unfolding grace. These hard times are small potatoes compared to the coming good times, the lavish celebration prepared for us. There's far more here than meets the eye. The things we see now are here today, gone tomorrow. But the things we can't see now will last forever.
:) 2 Corinthians 5 1-5 For instance, we know that when these bodies of ours are taken down like tents and folded away, they will be replaced by resurrection bodies in heaven—God-made, not handmade—and we'll never have to relocate our "tents" again. Sometimes we can hardly wait to move—and so we cry out in frustration. Compared to what's coming, living conditions around here seem like a stopover in an unfurnished shack, and we're tired of it! We've been given a glimpse of the real thing, our true home, our resurrection bodies! The Spirit of God whets our appetite by giving us a taste of what's ahead. He puts a little of heaven in our hearts so that we'll never settle for less.
6-8 That's why we live with such good cheer. You won't see us drooping our heads or dragging our feet! Cramped conditions here don't get us down.(learn this) They only remind us of the spacious living conditions ahead. It's what we trust in but don't yet see that keeps us going. Do you suppose a few ruts in the road or rocks in the path are going to stop us? When the time comes, we'll be plenty ready to exchange exile for homecoming.
9-10But neither exile nor homecoming is the main thing. Cheerfully pleasing God is the main thing, and that's what we aim to do, regardless of our conditions. Sooner or later we'll all have to face God, regardless of our conditions. We will appear before Christ and take what's coming to us as a result of our actions, either good or bad.
11-14That keeps us vigilant, you can be sure. It's no light thing to know that we'll all one day stand in that place of Judgment. That's why we work urgently with everyone we meet to get them ready to face God. (???) God alone knows how well we do this, but I hope you realize how much and deeply we care.(!!!!) We're not saying this to make ourselves look good to you. We just thought it would make you feel good, proud even, that we're on your side and not just nice to your face as so many people are. If I acted crazy, I did it for God; if I acted overly serious, I did it for you. Christ's love has moved me to such extremes. His love has the first and last word in everything we do.
A New Life
14-15 Our firm decision is to work from this focused center: One man died for everyone. That puts everyone in the same boat. He included everyone in his death so that everyone could also be included in his life, a resurrection life, a far better life than people ever lived on their own.16-20 Because of this decision we don't evaluate people by what they have or how they look.
We looked at the Messiah that way once and got it all wrong, as you know. We certainly don't look at him that way anymore. Now we look inside, and what we see is that anyone united with the Messiah gets a fresh start, is created new. The old life is gone; a new life burgeons! Look at it! All this comes from the God who settled the relationship between us and him, and then called us to settle our relationships with each other. God put the world square with himself through the Messiah, giving the world a fresh start by offering forgiveness of sins. God has given us the task of telling everyone what he is doing. We're Christ's
representatives. God uses us to persuade men and women to drop their differences and enter into God's work of making things right between them. We're speaking for Christ himself now: Become friends with God; he's already a friend with you.
21How? you ask. In Christ. God put the wrong on him who never did anything wrong, so we could be put right with God.
I have so far to go Abba....You don't quit and are teaching me, trying to teach me to not either and I AM and always have been a quitter.....quitting would be so much easier than humbling myself and staying....begging YOU to help me..waiting for You to TEACH me and when YOU say move to follow wherever it is YOU are leading....me to love others ALL others......and I don't...help me Abba to obediently learn how to.....that I am drowning, feeling smothered is probly what dying to self is supposed to feel like??? I don't want to run away from it again....but it feels like this....
.
Monday, November 15, 2010
Job 41-42; 2 Cor. 1-2
Just a down day....and knowing it I want that to help. I want to want this 'don't move' but all I want is to go back to my old ways of being unaware that all my desire to help was/is about making my environment more comfortable....
So today to read Job and not want to have THAT conversation w/God :) I don't know nuthin and He knows all of it and for me to rest there......prayerfully rest there.
So today to read Job and not want to have THAT conversation w/God :) I don't know nuthin and He knows all of it and for me to rest there......prayerfully rest there.
Thursday, November 11, 2010
Ps 122; 1 Cor. 9-11
You know...you gotta love Paul
Still thinking on him bit by that snake and then suffering no ill effects and how that picture helps me to REMEMBER it can never be about what people think - how they judge - how I judge . And then today in 1 Cor. he starts off pretty confident and I'm trying to get simply... be confident and free in who Christ is and who I might be because of His Spirit in me?
And then his saying in....1 Cor. 10:7.....caught up in wanting our own way....that frightens me that THAT battle must be waged constantly that THAT tension forever has to be recognized...that my selfishness colors itself differently maybe, but NEVER ever leaves.....and yet YOUR GRACE covers me again and again, over and over...that my selfishness never goes away and Your Grace never quits....
it my selfishness maybe doesn't look the same....changes this 'don't move'...is it really you?? or am I selfishly protecting time and money....from any who might need/make demands on it??
I think if I moved now, I would look like Ricky Bobby in Talledaga Nights after the wreck running around in his underwear screaming....I'm on fire.....look at me look at me, I've been trying to be good but it's too much....help me help me....
Yeah I think it would be that ridiculous and in the being still, no moving, not running away.... You are preparing me to not do that...so, to not move and hurt anyone...to not make it about me.....to obediently wait and see what ever it is YOU will have me DO......I hope anyway....
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Job 35-36; 1 Cor. 7-8
Getting up at 4:30 AM may sound crazy and maybe is but dang this time w/my Abba and my husband..if I could give this away.....it's amazing how we cuddle up in our separate chairs and sip our coffee and read and journal and then SHARE. I want to scream out to anyone who will listen make time for Him and your husband whatever it takes but I don't.
I don't know how we'd have done it w/kids....
I don't know how we'd have done it so I don't share the most amazing part of my day unless someone asks and they don't.....so I hear BE STILL and KNOW and wait.
The video about the football player who hears 'don't move' and since he didn't, another player still walks, heck still plays football. I feel like that player underneath w/some of the women in my life...chronically depressed and physically challenged and unhappily single and burned by divorce and......if I move I might injure them. In the past it was either charge in in pity and try to HELP them like I even could.... or run far away and I hear You say....don't move...but dang it's getting hard to breathe....so asking for You Abba to help them and for me to hear You and respond obediently when I do.....but for now....don't move
I don't know how we'd have done it w/kids....
I don't know how we'd have done it so I don't share the most amazing part of my day unless someone asks and they don't.....so I hear BE STILL and KNOW and wait.
The video about the football player who hears 'don't move' and since he didn't, another player still walks, heck still plays football. I feel like that player underneath w/some of the women in my life...chronically depressed and physically challenged and unhappily single and burned by divorce and......if I move I might injure them. In the past it was either charge in in pity and try to HELP them like I even could.... or run far away and I hear You say....don't move...but dang it's getting hard to breathe....so asking for You Abba to help them and for me to hear You and respond obediently when I do.....but for now....don't move
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
there's a story out there right now about a football game tackle.....and how the guy on the bottom of the heap heard very clearly 'don't move'.....be still...now football players when they go down have been coached to get right up and yet this guy heard very clearly 'don't move' and that he didn't there is another football player out there who happened to have been on top of him that can now move....he can move because the guy under him heard and responded to 'don't move'.....
I have so many women in my life right now that are hurting and everything in me wants to either run straight at them working at 'fixing' them or to run screaming away because I can't and it pains me to be so close to their pain and I hear 'be still'.......
so today.......be still
I have so many women in my life right now that are hurting and everything in me wants to either run straight at them working at 'fixing' them or to run screaming away because I can't and it pains me to be so close to their pain and I hear 'be still'.......
so today.......be still
Monday, November 8, 2010
Friday, November 5, 2010
Job 28-29; Galatians 1-2
Changed my bio from
to
sinner saved by GRACE
maybe should just say flat out disobedient = sinner saved by GRACE
Scary to see it so clearly for what it is, embarassing and shameful that others have seen it for so long. Now to operate in the GRACE and not the shame...humbly in the GRACE.
I want this verse to define me but it doesn't....Galatians 2:19-21 My ego is no longer central. It is no longer important that I appear righteous before you or have your good opinion and I am no longer driven to impress God. Christ lives in me.
Christ does live in me how can I continue to be disobedient...reading about Paul in Acts where he is bit by the snake and everyone says ooooh look at how God's gonna get him and then when he suffers no ill effects, everyone says oooooh he's a god.....
I thot I got that.
What I get for thinking and not staying humble in the awe of seeing anything from You...I mean I really thot i got that. And then yesterday how quickly in a simple conversation I forget and let my ego control me and lose any ground I think I've gained.
And there it is...it's not about gaining ground...it's about losing it and being dependent and humble ....crap
You forgive me again and again and again....how can I not want to give this away....and now I feel my feet at the fire of being obedient and I just want to run away......help me please Abba, Holy Spirit to be obedient....to know what to do and do it.
Scary to see it so clearly for what it is, embarassing and shameful that others have seen it for so long. Now to operate in the GRACE and not the shame...humbly in the GRACE.
I want this verse to define me but it doesn't....Galatians 2:19-21 My ego is no longer central. It is no longer important that I appear righteous before you or have your good opinion and I am no longer driven to impress God. Christ lives in me.
Christ does live in me how can I continue to be disobedient...reading about Paul in Acts where he is bit by the snake and everyone says ooooh look at how God's gonna get him and then when he suffers no ill effects, everyone says oooooh he's a god.....
I thot I got that.
What I get for thinking and not staying humble in the awe of seeing anything from You...I mean I really thot i got that. And then yesterday how quickly in a simple conversation I forget and let my ego control me and lose any ground I think I've gained.
And there it is...it's not about gaining ground...it's about losing it and being dependent and humble ....crap
You forgive me again and again and again....how can I not want to give this away....and now I feel my feet at the fire of being obedient and I just want to run away......help me please Abba, Holy Spirit to be obedient....to know what to do and do it.
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Job 26-27; Mark 15-16
There is much I am afraid of and yet in the fear I sense You saying MOVE.....
There is much I want to handle and manipulate and I sense You saying Be Still.....
There is so much I want to fight against and I sense You saying...for how long, Becky for how long?
Which starts the cycle all over again......proving AGAIN it's me wanting what I want over and over again......the tears I feel burning this morning are heartfelt sadness at being so stubborn.
And here's Job lamenting to God...and Jesus so quietly suffering unimaginably......
I am sure no Job, no first hand knowledge of the suffering against which he is lamenting...can't even begin to think about what my Christ suffered.....no comparing the two even...Jesus was God...fully human and fully divine.....
What I see here is a lack of obedience, not just stubbornness on my part.....and here I need GRACE and in accepting it, being absolutely drenched with it......just humbly, gratefully be drenched....feeling crazy and wishing someone read here...needing to rest in Your knowing me....You and Dan and Lynz, and it's not knowing that I want, I imagine it's encouragement, more inability to call something what it is I guess...so to BE so very grateful that You know, that I have a husband who even tried to know, a daughter...and Janie, I am so grateful you brought her into my life, someone who let's me know her and ........ be so grateful for that and a whole passel of friends ....not their fault I hold back parts of myself from them thinking they can't handle it.....so grateful .....and be maybe that person someone needs seeking to know them, encourage them....
And drenched...forgiven ...that desire seems to be more real and less about me....I write here this mess of emotions and feelings and thots and pray that You help me sort them out...to live out the ones that are of You...hmmm
There is much I want to handle and manipulate and I sense You saying Be Still.....
There is so much I want to fight against and I sense You saying...for how long, Becky for how long?
Which starts the cycle all over again......proving AGAIN it's me wanting what I want over and over again......the tears I feel burning this morning are heartfelt sadness at being so stubborn.
And here's Job lamenting to God...and Jesus so quietly suffering unimaginably......
I am sure no Job, no first hand knowledge of the suffering against which he is lamenting...can't even begin to think about what my Christ suffered.....no comparing the two even...Jesus was God...fully human and fully divine.....
What I see here is a lack of obedience, not just stubbornness on my part.....and here I need GRACE and in accepting it, being absolutely drenched with it......just humbly, gratefully be drenched....feeling crazy and wishing someone read here...needing to rest in Your knowing me....You and Dan and Lynz, and it's not knowing that I want, I imagine it's encouragement, more inability to call something what it is I guess...so to BE so very grateful that You know, that I have a husband who even tried to know, a daughter...and Janie, I am so grateful you brought her into my life, someone who let's me know her and ........ be so grateful for that and a whole passel of friends ....not their fault I hold back parts of myself from them thinking they can't handle it.....so grateful .....and be maybe that person someone needs seeking to know them, encourage them....
And drenched...forgiven ...that desire seems to be more real and less about me....I write here this mess of emotions and feelings and thots and pray that You help me sort them out...to live out the ones that are of You...hmmm
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Job 25: Mark 13&14
A small verse this morning has me thinking...a small verse in a larger picture. But this morning this verse in that story has me thinking. Mark 13 verse13 I think....a man carrying a water jar.
Jesus telling his disciples in looking for where to have the last supper, has them look for a man carrying a water jar and follow him and ask the owner of that house....would a man generally be carrying a water jar?
I just wonder, having been to SA and seeing it is a womans job to fetch and carry the water if this was a humbler man?? Not an ordinary sighting, giving them more clarity on who to follow??
I don't know just in combination w/all the talk of end times and how easily we will be deceived, even those who ought to know better.
How those times w/be beyond description and how NOW we are called to be different, look different, think different and until the think is first we can't be or look any different.
And how freakin hard it is to think different, how I fight and wrestle against all of it....and yet You don't stop trying to help me get there, into thinking differently.
Dang I used the word think alot.....I do....think alot and You are calling me to acting on it??
I am such a ......wanting so badly what I want...to talk to people about You and yet not people that already know...people who don't and I don't know how, maybe will never know......that's frustrating and kind of lonely.....
Jesus telling his disciples in looking for where to have the last supper, has them look for a man carrying a water jar and follow him and ask the owner of that house....would a man generally be carrying a water jar?
I just wonder, having been to SA and seeing it is a womans job to fetch and carry the water if this was a humbler man?? Not an ordinary sighting, giving them more clarity on who to follow??
I don't know just in combination w/all the talk of end times and how easily we will be deceived, even those who ought to know better.
How those times w/be beyond description and how NOW we are called to be different, look different, think different and until the think is first we can't be or look any different.
And how freakin hard it is to think different, how I fight and wrestle against all of it....and yet You don't stop trying to help me get there, into thinking differently.
Dang I used the word think alot.....I do....think alot and You are calling me to acting on it??
I am such a ......wanting so badly what I want...to talk to people about You and yet not people that already know...people who don't and I don't know how, maybe will never know......that's frustrating and kind of lonely.....
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
John 3
Love doing the various groups and DG in all of them.
Love having I will's that connect and knowing it's Your Spirit helping me to become aware, to with Your help, change.
Hate that obedience is such a foreign concept for me, not behaving a certain way to get results I want or think others want, that's NOT foreign to me...what I hate is that behaving out of obedience, because You say so and not for what I can get, that that is foreign to me........ that, I hate.
That I wrestle against everything without first looking to You and Your desires for me.
That I want what I want so deeply I can't even see the wake I push in that sometimes, that, I hate.
Love that there is becoming a different way to look at things, to look to You.
Hate that I have to go to the dentist today....
Hate that I have to vote.....
This morning reading 3 John w/the Panera ladies...love that no matter how we've done it, mostly wrong, my Grands will see it as pretty NORMAL having people live with them.....that that tension will be NORMAL to them.
So a day of LOVE overpowering hate.....kind of teary today in the being overpowered I guess...me being more hateful than not
3 John
Love having I will's that connect and knowing it's Your Spirit helping me to become aware, to with Your help, change.
Hate that obedience is such a foreign concept for me, not behaving a certain way to get results I want or think others want, that's NOT foreign to me...what I hate is that behaving out of obedience, because You say so and not for what I can get, that that is foreign to me........ that, I hate.
That I wrestle against everything without first looking to You and Your desires for me.
That I want what I want so deeply I can't even see the wake I push in that sometimes, that, I hate.
Love that there is becoming a different way to look at things, to look to You.
Grace and hope drive me further and further.....
Hate that I have to go to the dentist today....
Hate that I have to vote.....
This morning reading 3 John w/the Panera ladies...love that no matter how we've done it, mostly wrong, my Grands will see it as pretty NORMAL having people live with them.....that that tension will be NORMAL to them.
So a day of LOVE overpowering hate.....kind of teary today in the being overpowered I guess...me being more hateful than not
3 John
Monday, November 1, 2010
Psalm 121; Mark 9-10
This commercial disturbs me....I can't get a cut a paste to work, youtube/check out REALLY moments re:Windows phone.
It disturbs me because it is me. Addicted to information...connection. I read blogs and twitters and emails and miss the people right in front of me. I tell myself I don't, but in watching that commercial I think I do. I remember being in Dara's hospital room w/Nehe right there and all of us with our phones taking pics of him and editing and twittering and sending them, instead of simply enjoying Nehe. It convicted me then but not for long, my addiction prohibits looking at the NOW for too long because there is too much out there for me, or so it seems.
In thinking about quitting my job I get scared.....and instead of looking to Him who saves me I look for affirmation and approval from everyone and everything around me, confirmation. And the Psalm this morning tells me to look to You and in THAT looking I am protected and guided and convicted and forgiven and asked to forgive. I get distracted by my needs..no, my wants.
There's a moment in Mark 9:8 where suddenly they look around, they no longer saw anyone with them but Jesus....nothing but Jesus, can we, are we expected, could we get a moment like that??
I sat there this morning wondering about a disconnect from everything digital and thought 'no that's way too weird' and then in reading a short verse before Mark 10 I hear Him addressing my thinking it's weird and pulling away all that and calling me out that I think I would be embarassed to follow into this. Maybe more embarassed if I told anyone and more incapable of carrying it out, of following through.
I don't know I take my time with You in the mornings so seriously....that You do speak to me there and what if in a stripping away of technological information I could hear more...
it's just weird and yet where i may be heading if I have an ounce of trusting You in me???
It disturbs me because it is me. Addicted to information...connection. I read blogs and twitters and emails and miss the people right in front of me. I tell myself I don't, but in watching that commercial I think I do. I remember being in Dara's hospital room w/Nehe right there and all of us with our phones taking pics of him and editing and twittering and sending them, instead of simply enjoying Nehe. It convicted me then but not for long, my addiction prohibits looking at the NOW for too long because there is too much out there for me, or so it seems.
In thinking about quitting my job I get scared.....and instead of looking to Him who saves me I look for affirmation and approval from everyone and everything around me, confirmation. And the Psalm this morning tells me to look to You and in THAT looking I am protected and guided and convicted and forgiven and asked to forgive. I get distracted by my needs..no, my wants.
There's a moment in Mark 9:8 where suddenly they look around, they no longer saw anyone with them but Jesus....nothing but Jesus, can we, are we expected, could we get a moment like that??
I sat there this morning wondering about a disconnect from everything digital and thought 'no that's way too weird' and then in reading a short verse before Mark 10 I hear Him addressing my thinking it's weird and pulling away all that and calling me out that I think I would be embarassed to follow into this. Maybe more embarassed if I told anyone and more incapable of carrying it out, of following through.
I don't know I take my time with You in the mornings so seriously....that You do speak to me there and what if in a stripping away of technological information I could hear more...
it's just weird and yet where i may be heading if I have an ounce of trusting You in me???
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