Isaiah 63 & 64; Psalm 107; John 2

Fatigued and disappointed and coming here, to, spending time in Your Word to be fed, filled up...totally using You Father to rejuvinate me......bringing absolutely nothing to the table...no worship or joy or gratitude.....coming really really empty and lonely and disappointed saying HELP ME.....sat w/a woman last nite filled w/anger and fear w/walls 100 feet tall and felt sorry for her to be living so protected and this morning those walls appear to be attractive, I don't want to live behind walls, thinking I/working so hard to 'control things'...to get what I want but in all honestly like my son in law pointed out my 'wetness' is hard to see....so in seeing it I want to run away again....in fatigue I want to hide and build my own protection...in fear and shame I want....

I need to sit here w/You and find a way to live without anything but desiring You.....and in the sadness this morning I come.....

Psalm 107: 10-16 Some of you were locked in a dark cell,

cruelly confined behind bars,

Punished for defying God's Word,

for turning your back on the High God's counsel—

A hard sentence, and your hearts so heavy,

and not a soul in sight to help.

Then you called out to God in your desperate condition;

he got you out in the nick of time.

He led you out of your dark, dark cell,

broke open the jail and led you out.

So thank God for his marvelous love,

for his miracle mercy to the children he loves;

He shattered the heavy jailhouse doors,

he snapped the prison bars like matchsticks!

I'm free and covered w/Your Grace not mine to simply admire but to be DRENCHED in....Drenched and drenching.....it's only about pointing people to You, to Jesus....that's all it's about......

John 2:23-25 During the time he was in Jerusalem, those days of the Passover Feast, many people noticed the signs he was displaying and, seeing they pointed straight to God, entrusted their lives to him. But Jesus didn't entrust his life to them. He knew them inside and out, knew how untrustworthy they were. He didn't need any help in seeing right through them.

Isaiah 60-62; John 1

John 1:12 He made to be their true selves,

their child-of-God selves.

Thinking about that.....

5Isaiah 57-59; Psalm 103; 2 Peter 3

"The joy of Christians, even when it is unspeakable and full of glory, is an humble broken-hearted joy" (Jonathan Edwards).

I think...I think this morning I kind of get this...the feeling of joy in the midst of being or wondering if you're kind of just broken hearted and the humility to get there...to admit...you're just feeling a bit brokenhearted....

I don't know and I could of course as usual just be wrong but this morning and really leading up to this morning feeling a closeness to You / Joy in the midst of feeling broken and brokenhearted....

So now what......??
Pretty clear.......not for anyone else...for me....

9-12 "If you get rid of unfair practices,
quit blaming victims,
quit gossiping about other people's sins,
If you are generous with the hungry
and start giving yourselves to the down-and-out,
Your lives will begin to glow in the darkness,
your shadowed lives will be bathed in sunlight.
I will always show you where to go.
I'll give you a full life in the emptiest of places—
firm muscles, strong bones.
You'll be like a well-watered garden,
a gurgling spring that never runs dry.
You'll use the old rubble of past lives to build anew,
rebuild the foundations from out of your past.
You'll be known as those who can fix anything,
restore old ruins, rebuild and renovate,
make the community livable again.

The Inner Debate a prayer by Henri Nouwen from 'The Dance of Life'
O Lord Jesus, your words to your Father were born out of your silence. Lead me into this silence, so that my words may be spoken in your name and thus be fruitful. It is so hard to be silent, silent with my mouth, but even more, silent with my heart. There is so much talking going on within me. It seems that I am always involved in inner debates with myself, my friends, my enemies, my supporters, my opponents, my colleagues, and my rivals. But this inner debate reveals how far my heart is from you. If I were simply to rest at your feet and realize that I belong to you and you alone, I would easily stop arguing with all the real and imagined people around me. These arguments show my insecurity, my fear, my apprehensions. You, O Lord, will give me all the attention I need if I would simply stop talking and start listening to you. I know that in the silence of my heart you will speak to me and show me your love. Give me, O Lord, that silence. Let me be patient and grow slowly into this silence in which I can be with you. Amen

Isaiah 50-52; Ps. 92; 2 Peter 1

There's a lot going on in our lives right now....I am confused and unable to process out loud or in writing right now...just confused and anxious...that's it very anxious....don't know how to talk about it or if I should..praying for Dan to process it and that I will follow, not Dan but wherever it is God is taking him and us....just alot to think about....alot I need to be really prayerful about....because the alternative is being just freakin scared...
and just so's you know.... the depth of my character is such that this stuff is not that major.....so going to be vacant here.....going to process alone.....like anyone reads here anyway... but just in case you who pray I would definitely take them......

gonna continue to learn, pray to learn.... 'passionate patience'....

having a hard time worknig this morning wanting to 'run away'...well maybe not run away but to go away...in silence...in solitude...simply shed a few tears and cry out to my Abba to comfort me...I know I know He could right now...I told you my depth of character is ....not so deep.....pretty easily overwhelmed...that I am still sitting here and not a puddle of tears to me is You.....passionate patience.....uh huh....surrrrre.....

Isaiah 40 - 42; 1 Peter 3

“Tears are words the heart can't express”
I think maybe the rest of my life is a bit weepy...??
I think maybe in the weepy is softness that allows me to hear You....???
I think the whole 'a seeking heart You never deny'....is about softness...?? w/o it what do I seek??

I don't know... I think there is a fear that never leaves...an urgency that drives....a confusion....a power in my life now that......I hear Be Still and wait and be ready....an urgency....but is that just me....just me wanting.....see I don't know.....??
I don't know.....and that I don't know keeps me soft and seeking and again...I think perhaps that is where I am supposed to be....weepy and soft and open and ready....???

1 Peter 3: 13-18 If with heart and soul you're doing good, do you think you can be stopped? Even if you suffer for it, you're still better off. Don't give the opposition a second thought. Through thick and thin, keep your hearts at attention, in adoration before Christ, your Master. Be ready to speak up and tell anyone who asks why you're living the way you are, and always with the utmost courtesy. Keep a clear conscience before God so that when people throw mud at you, none of it will stick. They'll end up realizing that they're the ones who need a bath. It's better to suffer for doing good, if that's what God wants, than to be punished for doing bad. That's what Christ did definitively: suffered because of others' sins, the Righteous One for the unrighteous ones. He went through it all—was put to death and then made alive—to bring us to God.

I wonder.......if the softness is an attention to you?? I wonder....ready to speak up not speaking up...ready to....I wonder....

2 Kings 20; Isaiah 38 - 39; Psalm 75; 1 Peter 2

My whole freakin life has been about being SAFE and FAMILY
Yup that's it...family and safety...safety in family....seeing how I've damaged, been damaged by family...

and now.....crap.....finding out there is nothing/nowhere safe, never has been and never will be and if there was.... that's without You and about My control, controlling or being controlled........... and yet I still find myself crying.....

Take me somewhere safe today Father
feeling broken and fragile
broken and scared
broken and afraid to have anyone touch me
take me somewhere safe today Father...

You're not safe are you?? You're good and I'm protected but not safe...never safe....

so how to stay broken and fragile with that??
faith in You alone....You alone....no longer lost, but found...found and protected...

1 Peter 2:25 You were lost sheep with no idea who you were or where you were going. Now you're named and kept for good by the Shepherd of your souls.

protected but not safe....
seems really important to grasp that this morning......

Isaiah 36 & 37; Psalm 76; 1 Peter 1

Peter the screw up, the bold and brash and yet loved and listed by Jesus as His disciple.....telling us to hold on to the promises of God...chosen as we are for purposes we can't choose, we can seek to know but not ours to choose.....

3-5 What a God we have! And how fortunate we are to have him, this Father of our Master Jesus! Because Jesus was raised from the dead, we've been given a brand-new life and have everything to live for, including a future in heaven—and the future starts now! God is keeping careful watch over us and the future. The Day is coming when you'll have it all—life healed and whole.
6-7 I know how great this makes you feel, even though you have to put up with every kind of aggravation in the meantime. Pure gold put in the fire comes out of it proved pure; genuine faith put through this suffering comes out proved genuine. When Jesus wraps this all up, it's your faith, not your gold, that God will have on display as evidence of his victory.
8-9 You never saw him, yet you love him. You still don't see him, yet you trust him—with laughter and singing. Because you kept on believing, you'll get what you're looking forward to: total salvation.
10-12 The prophets who told us this was coming asked a lot of questions about this gift of life God was preparing. The Messiah's Spirit let them in on some of it—that the Messiah would experience suffering, followed by glory. They clamored to know who and when. All they were told was that they were serving you, you who by orders from heaven have now heard for yourselves—through the Holy Spirit—the Message of those prophecies fulfilled. Do you realize how fortunate you are? Angels would have given anything to be in on this!
13-16 So roll up your sleeves, put your mind in gear, be totally ready to receive the gift that's coming when Jesus arrives. Don't lazily slip back into those old grooves of evil, doing just what you feel like doing. You didn't know any better then; you do now. As obedient children, let yourselves be pulled into a way of life shaped by God's life, a life energetic and blazing with holiness. God said, "I am holy; you be holy."
17 You call out to God for help and he helps—he's a good Father that way. But don't forget, he's also a responsible Father, and won't let you get by with sloppy living.
18-21 Your life is a journey you must travel with a deep consciousness of God. It cost God plenty to get you out of that dead-end, empty-headed life you grew up in. He paid with Christ's sacred blood, you know. He died like an unblemished, sacrificial lamb. And this was no afterthought. Even though it has only lately—at the end of the ages—become public knowledge, God always knew he was going to do this for you. It's because of this sacrificed Messiah, whom God then raised from the dead and glorified, that you trust God, that you know you have a future in God.
22-25 Now that you've cleaned up your lives by following the truth, love one another as if your lives depended on it. Your new life is not like your old life. Your old birth came from mortal sperm; your new birth comes from God's living Word. Just think: a life conceived by God himself! That's why the prophet said,
The old life is a grass life,
its beauty as short-lived as wildflowers;
Grass dries up, flowers droop,
God's Word goes on and on forever.
This is the Word that conceived the new life in you.

So no matter how I 'feel' today THIS is what I need to remember...what an Amazing God......

2 Kings 18 &19; 2 Chronicles 32; James 5

I don't feel real good, good old fashioned cold coming on.....and it's rainy.....

On the up side had a good morning w/women exploring curiously each other. Asking questions and finding out how we think about 'things'...about God...about relationships....

Have a weekend coming w/my oldest friends who know nothing and care nothing about a Journey...about talking about You ...at least that is my perception....I want to...ask them questions about their lives....I like talking deeply and hate surface....hate bitchin about husbands and kids....

On the up side it's not come and gone yet...who knows what this weekend could look like...not expecting anything but hopeful....

2 Kings 18: 5 -6 Hezekiah put his whole trust in the God of Israel. There was no king quite like him, either before or after. He held fast to God—never loosened his grip—and obeyed to the letter everything God had commanded Moses. And God, for his part, held fast to him through all his adventures.

I want to be like Hezekiah where these women are concerned...where this weekend is concerned....what is it I withhold, why do I loosen my grip? Where does my disobedience show the most?? Why do I just freakin sit here and cry.....what is it that I am withholding??? Why do I not trust You with them?? Why don't I just do what You say and in Your love, love them without expecting depth????

and then in James these seem to conflict for me...7-8 Meanwhile, friends, wait patiently for the Master's Arrival. You see farmers do this all the time, waiting for their valuable crops to mature, patiently letting the rain do its slow but sure work. Be patient like that. Stay steady and strong. The Master could arrive at any time.

I have in the past spoken words, planted seeds, stumbled over the Gospel, tried to go deep not to wait paitiently???

orrrr....19-20 My dear friends, if you know people who have wandered off from God's truth, don't write them off. Go after them. Get them back and you will have rescued precious lives from destruction and prevented an epidemic of wandering away from God.

I never know what to do....and today I just feel bad enough...to do nothing....hopefully this will pass....stop worrying I hear...pray...so today....I will PRAY for them, for me, for all of us.....

2 Chron. 29-31; James 4

Just alot to think about today....my fears are crap and when am I going to simply get that.....there is nothing Your Grace can't cover and everything that only Your Grace can cover....
James 4
1-2 Where do you think all these appalling wars and quarrels come from? Do you think they just happen? Think again. They come about because you want your own way, and fight for it deep inside yourselves. You lust for what you don't have and are willing to kill to get it. You want what isn't yours and will risk violence to get your hands on it.
2-3 You wouldn't think of just asking God for it, would you? And why not? Because you know you'd be asking for what you have no right to. You're spoiled children, each wanting your own way.
4-6 You're cheating on God. If all you want is your own way, flirting with the world every chance you get, you end up enemies of God and his way. And do you suppose God doesn't care? The proverb has it that "he's a fiercely jealous lover." And what he gives in love is far better than anything else you'll find. It's common knowledge that "God goes against the willful proud; God gives grace to the willing humble."
7-10 So let God work his will in you. Yell a loud no to the Devil and watch him scamper. Say a quiet yes to God and he'll be there in no time. Quit dabbling in sin. Purify your inner life. Quit playing the field. Hit bottom, and cry your eyes out. The fun and games are over. Get serious, really serious. Get down on your knees before the Master; it's the only way you'll get on your feet.
11-12 Don't bad-mouth each other, friends. It's God's Word, his Message, his Royal Rule, that takes a beating in that kind of talk. You're supposed to be honoring the Message, not writing graffiti all over it. God is in charge of deciding human destiny. Who do you think you are to meddle in the destiny of others?
Nothing but a Wisp of Fog 13-15 And now I have a word for you who brashly announce, "Today—at the latest, tomorrow—we're off to such and such a city for the year. We're going to start a business and make a lot of money." You don't know the first thing about tomorrow. You're nothing but a wisp of fog, catching a brief bit of sun before disappearing. Instead, make it a habit to say, "If the Master wills it and we're still alive, we'll do this or that."
16-17 As it is, you are full of your grandiose selves. All such vaunting self-importance is evil. In fact, if you know the right thing to do and don't do it, that, for you, is evil.

Isaiah 29-31; James 1

I thot I was relationally drained..
That wasn't it

Great meal and conversation w/2 folk followed by, up to 11pm with more and then this morning up and 6 am and great conversation and

It's all about Him that's what makes the difference....

The meal last nite was about being curious about new people and they were so open to talking about You and the journey.....they were desperate to or have been desperat......no... they were excited about people challenging them to something new.....scared but faithfully excited...
challengable....

then being given permission to really ask the hard questions, being asked the hard questions....staying up till 11...wayyyy past my bedtime because of You and wanting to give away what we've found...not having a clue how but desperate to find out....
it's too amazing... to not want to...when you see what, experience what You do/ have done in lives, in marriages...
how can you not....
and yet it becomes about the wrong stuff so quickly.....

and then this morning...w/my daughter and daughter in law...just asking each other tough questions.....sharing the confusion...the depth of desire.....

it's about YOU...not about Shoal Creek or a ministry.....it's about living our lives AS A Ministry....

ahh....Father please help us to GIVE THIS AWAY......this being a journey of epic proportions...filled w/twists and turns and ups and downs.....filled w/confusion and excitement and ......a life of faith...of risk...or depth and desire....of love and grace and mercy recieved and given.....please help all of us lean deeply into You and in our inadequacy and failures turn over and over to Him who saves......trusting Your Spirit in the journey....I mean the alternative feels like....seems like.... to become an accomplice to watching frogs cook ....or at least this morning in my confusion...that's what it feels like....For the last 2 weeks I have thot about cooking frogs…you know the old wives tale or joke about how you put them in a pot of water and slowly turn up the heat and they never try to escape because they don’t notice until they’re cooked….thinking how we are like those frogs…not noticing….being cooked…how I just watch the cooking because I am too scared to point out….and then yesterday I read this...

And then I hear here at work that one of our own in the business office has incurable cancer….she’s going to die…and I listen to a guy say, a guy who talks to me about ….anyway he says…….’lift her up in your thots to whomever you pray to’…..what??

And it created in me a sense of urgency that I don’t quite know what to do with….sooo I don't know Father....You got it all I know....I just want people to know You and.....

Is. 29 : 9-10 Drug yourselves so you feel nothing.
Blind yourselves so you see nothing. Get drunk, but not on wine.
Black out, but not from whiskey. For God has rocked you into a deep, deep sleep,
put the discerning prophets to sleep,
put the farsighted seers to sleep.
11-12What you've been shown here is somewhat like a letter in a sealed envelope. If you give it to someone who can read and tell her, "Read this," she'll say, "I can't. The envelope is sealed." And if you give it to someone who can't read and tell him, "Read this," he'll say, "I can't read."
13-14 The Master said: "These people make a big show of saying the right thing, but their hearts aren't in it. Because they act like they're worshiping me but don't mean it, I'm going to step in and shock them awake, astonish them, stand them on their ears. The wise ones who had it all figured out will be exposed as fools. The smart people who thought they knew everything will turn out to know nothing."

and then James1: 25 But whoever catches a glimpse of the revealed counsel of God—the free life!—even out of the corner of his eye, and sticks with it, is no distracted scatterbrain but a man or woman of action. That person will find delight and affirmation in the action.

I think maybe it's time to hang on...to stick with it......what an amazing God

Is 25-28; Hebrews 13

Lamentations 22-24 God's loyal love couldn't have run out, his merciful love couldn't have dried up. They're created new every morning.
How great your faithfulness! I'm sticking with God (I say it over and over). He's all I've got left.

Thank Goodness

and that's what I was doing???.......lamenting yesterday???...
oh is that what that was?!!

The finish to last nite, was a meeting that ...
finished well....had a rough start and middle...but finished well....
You promise a better finish than a start to most everything....
there's a proverb about 'the end of the matter is better than the beginning' or something like that ...
maybe it's Ecc...Ecclesiastes 7:8 The end of a matter is better than its beginning, and patience is better than pride.
IF I stick, don't run, don't shut down, don't judge or assume....
You guide us to finish well.....
the grace i found in recognizing the quitter in me.....the runner....the judge.....
I pray to finish well..strong....loving
I hope that' true of life....

I pray to finish better than I've done in the past...

Is 28: 16 So this is what the Sovereign LORD says:

"See, I lay a stone in Zion,

a tested stone,

a precious cornerstone for a sure foundation;

the one who trusts will never be dismayed.

And when I trust You i do...i will....what an amazing God...perhaps redefining 'finishing well'....what an amazing God.

Is. 22-24; Hebrews 12

Another confused day and in the confusion feeling pissed...feels much better to be pissed than confused and yet scarier.....harder means far from you....safe but far....

the confusion of yesterday was soft and vulnerable and THAT, that was scary too.....

so color me confused and scared.....

oh and hopeful

gonna write down thots as they come to me today perhaps helping to sort out the confusion:

8:15 AM I waste time and energy being jealous
8:18 AM I get easily overwhelmed
8:32 AM can't stop just tearing up listening to people talk
8:42 AM I 'm just a cry baby
8:57 AM so am I just thinking about myself or am I really seeking You?? I saw yesterday that 'worrying is really just praying to yourself'....crap
9:07 AM love to read about people w/big goals, just too afraid to have one or any myself... hoping that my dependence on Christ and commitment to pointing others to you, reveals in others BIG GOALS..
9:23 AM I really do believe that if more followers of Christ were reading the Bible things would be better...yup...i really do believe that....
9:37 AM yup...still grumpy, but the more people I read and remember why I'm here....nope still grumpy bout that
9:39 AM 5 things it cost Dan to be married to me... need to think on that...THAT oughta make me feel better! NOT
Meeting with people tonite to talk about You in their marriages. I am grateful beyond words what You've done in mine.
10:04 AM someone just asked me some questions that I answered honestly..why is that such a surprise....
10:15 AM I get wayyy too much pleasure out of finding out people I admire and respect ....that we think alike....or at least it is my perception that we do...case in point
10:21 AM ....you know...you read someone like this and you are just so blown away....and get your perspective recalibrated ....
10:32 AM Seriously...today....today I gotta read this...??
10:33 AM and then I'm pissy w/someone on the phone...for crying out loud maybe I need to just stop thinking and work....try to not just 'get through' today....but to somehow work for You...
11:24 AM still freakin teary....afraid of continuing it into tonite....want someone to just HUG me...and you know what if they tried..I'd probably bite their head off
11:27 AM Someone is probably pissed at me and part of me just doesn't care, the other part of me is scared to death and sad....really sad...and in the sadness and fear I get angry again....how to not piss people off...
11:51 AM in thinking about what it cost Dan to be married to me...dang without Christ how could someone do this..without forgiveness how could you look at it ...w/o the Holy Spirit would we really know the cost....I am blown away and yet caught up in the hope that You in our marriage has brought....awwww crap tears again...


2 PM back from lunch.... and no better...sun is shining, it's not circumstances ... it's me...
3:03 PM tonite is communion...how to take it soft and vulnerably when I want to not go...I want to skip and run far away...and now Dan wants to run too....if only and yet to have poisoned him sucks..maybe it's not poison maybe it's.....I don't know..he's as confused as I am and that's OK...
3:42 PM in reading soul care desperately curious and wanting someone to be curious about me....pathetic
3:48 PM finished my 5 things...wondering if they'll even show up tonite... wondering what that bit of reality will stir up in me...wondering if I will ever be about others and realizing until then YOU got me.....

so this little experiement is done.....maybe will look back on it someday and see something other than me wanting what I want...nope..it's all about me.....crap

Is. 19-21; Hebrews 11

No one showed up this morning....a group of women who meet at panera at 6 AM on Tuesdays to read and journal together....noone showed up, but me.
I was angry...then sad...then just lonely.....

Hebrews 11: ^13-16 Each one of these people of faith died not yet having in hand what was promised, but still believing. How did they do it? They saw it way off in the distance, waved their greeting, and accepted the fact that they were transients in this world. People who live this way make it plain that they are looking for their true home. If they were homesick for the old country, they could have gone back any time they wanted. But they were after a far better country than that—heaven country. You can see why God is so proud of them, and has a City waiting for them.

There are no promises here of anything,... here is for living and getting there and bringing whomever we can with us. Just a broken dirty sheep following her shepherd and hoping to bring other sheep along....DRENCHED and drenching others, because really when you're truly drenched how can you not?

Is 15-18; Hebrews 10

Up at 4:30 sounds ridiculous and yet i don't think I would trade this time w/Dan for anything and when he says...just sit down and talk to me...I melt..

And when HE says...10:38-39 And,
"But my righteous one will live by faith.
And I take no pleasure
in the one who shrinks back." ^h]">

³⁹ But we are not of those who shrink back and are destroyed, but of those who believe and are saved.

I spend entirely too much time envying the risky lives of others....instead of wondering how I shrink back over and over from the relational risks I have in front of me...I spend entirely too much time worrying I think...

Micah 5 - 7; Hebrews 7

And when I'm THIS dramatic about it...it's so not about doing anything, having done anything with You....I don't want to admit it's where I get...but I do..I am....sorry....I mean look at the heading of my stinkin blog....how quickly I forget, make it things it's not...get in the way.....I'm sorry....

I knew it was coming somewhere in Micah...the simplicity of it....6: 8 But he's already made it plain how to live, what to do, what God is looking for in men and women. It's quite simple: Do what is fair and just to your neighbor, be compassionate and loyal in your love,And don't take yourself too seriously— take God seriously.

Hebrews 7: 20-22 The old priesthood of Aaron perpetuated itself automatically, father to son, without explicit confirmation by God. But then God intervened and called this new, permanent priesthood into being with an added promise: God gave his word; he won't take it back: "You're the permanent priest."This makes Jesus the guarantee of a far better way between us and God—one that really works! A new covenant.
23-25 Earlier there were a lot of priests, for they died and had to be replaced. But Jesus' priesthood is permanent. He's there from now to eternity to save everyone who comes to God through him, always on the job to speak up for them.

So that I'm tired is my fault....too many expectations....too much worrying about crap that is not mine to worry about....instead just do what You call me to do and leave the rest of it to You....maybe then I wouldn't get soooooo tired....sorry Abba to always just get in the way, to always be so demanding...just sorry and Thank You that I can count on that forgiveness because of my Jesus.....still tired just maybe not sooooo much...:)

Micah 1 - 4; Hebrews 6

I'm over it, all the MJ hoopla....
I'm sad at what that young boy had to endure to become the man he was....
I'm sad in recieving all that he thot he wanted he became so isolated......
I'm sad that he didn't have people around him pointing him to You and if he did I'm sad he didn't, couldn't, wouldn't listen...

the lyrics of this song are particularly haunting....especially this stanza

Everyone's Taking Control Of Me

Seems That The World's Got A Role For Me

I'm So Confused Will You Show

To Me You'll Be There For Me

And Care Enough To Bear Me

I want to believe that the simplicity of those lyrics speaks to a journey for him, for those lost.

We have influence over people whether we want to admit it or not ....people are watching and being influenced....our children, our grandchildren....how are they being influenced....what do they, have they, could they see....On my good days, the ones where I don't care who I am influencing, I don't care who might or might not like me.....

I just want my influence to be about pointing people to a journey...

pointing people to You.....

I want to believe that my wanting that ...

it will happen.....

Hebrews 6: 18-20 We who have run for our very lives to God have every reason to grab the promised hope with both hands and never let go. It's an unbreakable spiritual lifeline, reaching past all appearances right to the very presence of God where Jesus, running on ahead of us, has taken up his permanent post as high priest for us, in the order of Melchizedek.

Hosea 13 & 14; Psalm 100 - 102; Hebrews 5

Hosea 13: 4-6"I'm still your God, the God who saved you out of Egypt.I'm the only real God you've ever known. I'm the one and only God who delivers. I took care of you during the wilderness hard times, those years when you had nothing. I took care of you, took care of all your needs, gave you everything you needed. You were spoiled. You thought you didn't need me. You forgot me.

Psalm 100: 1-2 On your feet now—applaud God! Bring a gift of laughter,

sing yourselves into his presence.

3 Know this: God is God, and God, God.

He made us; we didn't make him.

We're his people, his well-tended sheep.

So today gonna live in that realization.....not to be discontent and not to be far too easily satisfied...to be DRENCHED, absolutely drenched in Your Grace and in Your Love and in that wetness love others.....

You don't promise ease or easy or even comfortable.......You simply and completely promise YOU.

Hebrews 5: 7-10 While he lived on earth, anticipating death, Jesus cried out in pain and wept in sorrow as he offered up priestly prayers to God. Because he honored God, God answered him. Though he was God's Son, he learned trusting-obedience by what he suffered, just as we do. Then, having arrived at the full stature of his maturity and having been announced by God as high priest in the order of Melchizedek, he became the source of eternal salvation to all who believingly obey him.
11-14 I have a lot more to say about this, but it is hard to get it across to you since you've picked up this bad habit of not listening. By this time you ought to be teachers yourselves, yet here I find you need someone to sit down with you and go over the basics on God again, starting from square one—baby's milk, when you should have been on solid food long ago! Milk is for beginners, inexperienced in God's ways; solid food is for the mature, who have some practice in telling right from wrong.

I don't know much but what I know keeps pointing me over and over to Jesus...holding onto the promise of Jesus.....

Hosea 10-12; Ps. 73; Hebrews 4

Have you ever read Hosea 11?

Heartbreaking

and then 12:6....What are you waiting for? Return to our God! Commit yourself in love, in justice. Wait for your God and don't give up on Him ever!

Turning back...not caught up in anger or embarassment or shame...turn back. A choice yesterday hard hearted today seeing it and the need to be soft to choose....

It has to start with me in the softness...

danger in a soft heart....
loving them w/o expectation...

hard hearted I don't worry about it or them or ....
hard hearted there's more guilt...

soft hearted.....fear
and yet in the fear is Your protection..

soft hearted = tears and pain
and yet HOPE

hard hearted....no tears ....no pain....no hope....

crap.....

so today humbly turning back and seeing ......today humbly crying out Help Me Abba...please....

and in the crying out I am struck by so many mixed emotions re: the MJ Memorial......can't help but think about him made King too soon....made King and enjoying the role when none of us are made for that role...it messes with us. It messed w/him....so I am sad. Sad to have been a part of the machine that made him...sad to have been part of the machine that ruined him....

I keep thinking today of the story of the frog in boiling water...
How if you put a frog in a pot of water and slowly turn up the heat he won't try to jump out...he will simply die in the heating up....

I keep thinking we are like the frog...born into a world that is heating up rapidly......and the getting out has to be done in humility.....we are none of us humble, not one...we must be humbled and when that happens where do we go?? In the brokenness what happens.....do we go soft or get hard, working hard to guarantee it, being broken, doesn't happen again....

We can only get out when we ask for Your help, when we turn humbly to You and ask Jesus to save us...
otherwise the pot just gets hotter and we are eventually simply cooked.....
we can't pull others... out we can only point them to You and their own humility asking for help saves them, YOU save them.....
so can I live pointing others to You.....
the alternative is too horrifying.....
watching people cook in the pot of this world....
and yet pointing people to You doesn't make me popular....

and there it is...the reason I won't step up I care more about what people think than about their cooking....?? crap

Hosea 6-9; Hebrews 3

Hebrews 3:7 and again vs. 14
Today, please listen; don't turn a deaf ear as in the bitter uprising.


Hard hearted today...self protective and hard....really going to try to listen ..... yeah, gonna really try to LISTEN today.

Isaiah 1 - 3; Titus 3

I really like Isaiah....don't remember why right at this moment.... but for some reason very excited to be starting it again...hoping you will read it with me and let me know what you think......

I am surrounded right now w/people ....... some of them seeking Christ and others with little to no interest in a journey.....I am confused and excited....wanting relationships to deepen and yet scared to death to take the steps to make that happen or be open to it.....

I am kind of a mess right now.....or maybe I'm always a mess and sometimes I just fail to see it for what it really is.....

Is. 1: 18-20"Come. Sit down. Let's argue this out."
This is God's Message:"If your sins are blood-red,
they'll be snow-white.If they're red like crimson,
they'll be like wool.If you'll willingly obey,
you'll feast like kings.But if you're willful and stubborn,
you'll die like dogs."That's right. God says so.

Titus 3: 8-11 I want you to put your foot down. Take a firm stand on these matters so that those who have put their trust in God will concentrate on the essentials that are good for everyone. Stay away from mindless, pointless quarreling over genealogies and fine print in the law code. That gets you nowhere. Warn a quarrelsome person once or twice, but then be done with him. It's obvious that such a person is out of line, rebellious against God. By persisting in divisiveness he cuts himself off.

And people ask me why I love connecting with God so much through His word......
I may be confused until the day I die about some things...
I may be forever in a wrestling match with God over some of those things......
but that confusion
that wrestling ...
hopefully are softening me to His will....
and in THAT softening perhaps someday I will draw others into their own journeys, their own wrestling matches with this most Amazing God.....and in that wrestling, finding Christ, finding the power of a relationship .....He does what He does....for His good and glory.....I hope so anyway.