Numbers 17 - 18; Psalm 29; Mark 4; 1 Timothy 6

So, when the S blows, she blows BIG.

I blew this past weekend and it wasn’t pretty.

Now, I can tell it funny or I can tell it like the SIN it is…….if I try to go away from the funny I get caught in shame and shame is someplace I can’t get out of….

Funny is easier and then hopefully going back over it can ,if for some reason you can’t see it yourself, show you the big ass Sin for what it is….but the sin of it is usually obvious to others before it is to me, but again if I think of that I will get caught in shame…..

Woke up Saturday and it was a good morning, I really can’t see where it went bad. But it did. And maybe in the telling I will see it….if the softness from seeing it before still resonates in me. Thing is that leaves, the softness, the brokenness.

Woke up Saturday and Dan innocently enough told me he wouldn’t be free until 10 or so in the morning…I guess that ticked me off but for the life of me now, I can’t say why…10 is pretty close to when I too would have been free….no let’s be honest I wanted Dan to want to spend time w/me….he has been , he does serve me so well and I want to be with him all the time…..so when he didn’t respond with a like desire I went ballistic….he even said, kindly I see now but in the moment I felt like he was wanting me to be real and honest in a way that he had every right to assume I would but I couldn’t because he said…I need you to tell me are you crying out to me’…..holy crap would that have been needy or what…would that have been honest or what…what did I do….nope…plain and simple nope….and then what follows is ugly to admit, I like to tell it humorously and not ….I spent 30 minutes at least ranting and raving about how there was no F’ing way I would EVER cry out to him…..:( When really that’s what I wanted to do……but I simply couldn’t or chose not to humble myself to do and then in all reality what if….what if my husband just needed a day to himself…why could I not serve him that way….but no it’s about me…all about me and that to me is shameful…..it took 2 days before I really looked at the shame and headed into seeing it for what it is and ….I don’t know if this makes any sense but it’s the journey I am on and writing it will perhaps help me or someone else struggling in and hopefully through, the same cycles….

So more than seeing my cycles I am seeing Him…. …

I am loving the PAPA Prayer book by Larry Crabb with so much heart and softness, I am blown away. That a life of seeking to find our sin patterns, our wetness…..our depravity yields such softness and dependence on Him in later years……very inspiring and HOPE giving…

He tells the story of going to New York with his young son years ago. And how they planned all this stuff to DO…. being after all in New York City….. how after their first nite they went to Central Park and were playing hide and seek. His son was counting and Larry hid behind a tree in close proximity to his son, how he kept just out of his son’s sight but his son was never out of his. How his son kept looking for him and finally in fear cried out to his Daddy….and in that moment Larry stepped out from behind the tree and his son just grabbed his hand and didn’t care a thing for whatever they were going to DO next, he just wanted to BE WITH HIS DADDY…..that THAT is who God is to and for us, desiring us to simply WANT TO BE WITH HIM and when we are, we get to do the stuff HE wants to show us, the stuff He wants to DO WITH US…I probably am not describing it well but it has impacted me deeply in the why of the Papa Prayer……in desiring Him more and more and more. And maybe in THAT desire comes seeing more and more of me…..knowing it’s Him, all of it…His love staggers me, absolutely staggers me.

And then you read Psalm 29…..there is no fully understanding who You are…I can fully know tho Your Goodness and trust and lean there…..that I can KNOW because of Your Word, Your Son, Your Spirit…….

Numbers 8&9; Acts 28; Joshua 24

Sovereignty
HIS
Timing
HIS

me??
stubborn and loved

simply awed this AM

Numbers 3 & 4; Acts 25; Jeremiah 33

Forgiveness

Shame

Repentance

3 words I am ‘wrestling’ with right now. How to forgive and not tell the offending party I am forgiving them. Sounds weird and righteous and ….to me right now.

To in forgiving experience a freedom that I have not found in being bound up in being offended…..

Shame that I feel all the above..shame that I get stuck in ‘feelings’….

Repentance IF I don’t, push through SHAME to that real repentance… will I ever change?? And there comes SHAME again that I keep coming back to the same things over and over and over….

Jeremiah 33: ¹ While Jeremiah was still confined in the courtyard of the guard, the word of the LORD came to him a second time: ² "This is what the LORD says, he who made the earth, the LORD who formed it and established it—the LORD is his name: ³ 'Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know.'

So even trapped and confined as I feel….. in true repentance, asking…YOU are there..Thank You Jesus….

Leviticus 26 -27; Acts 23; Ephesians 4

Our most recent 'journey'...Isolation to Community, still has me wrecked and confused. My idea of community and Yours I guess. I have always sought after community, which to me has maybe been more about 'fitting in'? I don't know much of anything for sure anymore and that not knowing has me soft and seeking BUT comfortable in an isolation that feels more like being 'insulated'.....exploring others and pointing them confidently to You and yet frightened that perhaps I will never 'fit in'. Hubs and I are both rattling around in this new revelation. How we find such comfort in the mornings, in our chairs with our Bibles and journals and tears w/each other wondering what piece we are missing in Your design for community?? I think I 'shake the dust' from alot of places, I think I have...I wonder how much of that was driven by fear, I wonder if I can be forgiven for that shaking, that fear, that lack of faith, that being motivated by what I want rather than following You into loving w/out expectation.... I wonder if in being forgiven I will be told to reenter...I wonder if I will listen and obey.....asking myself do I need to be forgiven or to forgive in order to move....and why does the answer scare me???

Acts 23: 11 The following night the Lord stood near Paul and said, "Take courage! As you have testified about me in Jerusalem, so you must also testify in Rome."

Abba I would love to be so confident of your marching orders for me.....to have made so many mistakes in the past in 'thinking' I knew and in reality it was me.....I want my Daddy in heaven and cry tears of a morning thinking I know something I am too scared to ask again, wondering if I am supposed to ask again.....sensing his fear of the end of his life and having no 'courage' to ask....no willingness to reenter where I have shaken the dust....no willingness to love them where they are at....no willingness to be thought of as ......a Jesus freak....no willingness to follow wherever it is You lead......maybe I will never get over being sooo much about myself and that that might be true frightens me the most.

Ephesians 4: 1 As a prisoner for the Lord, then, I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received. 2 Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. 3 Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace. 4 There is one body and one Spirit—just as you were called to one hope when you were called— 5 one Lord, one faith, one baptism; 6 one God and Father of all, who is over all and through all and in all.
7 But to each one of us grace has been given as Christ apportioned it. 8 This is why it says: "When he ascended on high, he led captives in his train and gave gifts to men." 9 (What does "he ascended" mean except that he also descended to the lower, earthly regions 10? He who descended is the very one who ascended higher than all the heavens, in order to fill the whole universe.) 11 It was he who gave some to be apostles, some to be prophets, some to be evangelists, and some to be pastors and teachers, 12 to prepare God's people for works of service, so that the body of Christ may be built up 13 until we all reach unity in the faith and in the knowledge of the Son of God and become mature, attaining to the whole measure of the fullness of Christ.
14 Then we will no longer be infants, tossed back and forth by the waves, and blown here and there by every wind of teaching and by the cunning and craftiness of men in their deceitful scheming. 15 Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will in all things grow up into him who is the Head, that is, Christ. 16 From him the whole body, joined and held together by every supporting ligament, grows and builds itself up in love, as each part does its work.
Living as Children of Light 17 So I tell you this, and insist on it in the Lord, that you must no longer live as the Gentiles do, in the futility of their thinking. 18 They are darkened in their understanding and separated from the life of God because of the ignorance that is in them due to the hardening of their hearts. 19 Having lost all sensitivity, they have given themselves over to sensuality so as to indulge in every kind of impurity, with a continual lust for more.
20 You, however, did not come to know Christ that way. 21Surely you heard of him and were taught in him in accordance with the truth that is in Jesus. 22 You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; 23 to be made new in the attitude of your minds; 24and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness.
25 Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to his neighbor, for we are all members of one body. 26"In your anger do not sin": Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, 27 and do not give the devil a foothold. 28 He who has been stealing must steal no longer, but must work, doing something useful with his own hands, that he may have something to share with those in need.
29 Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. 30 And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. 31 Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. 32Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.

If I do all this......if I trust You and become 'that' vulnerable.......see I am driven by way too much fear and You are NOT a God of fear...so today to swim around in this chapter and verses and follow You wherever that leads...

Leviticus 18&19;Ps. 13; Acts 19; Romans 12

Leviticus so much I usually just blah thru it..this morning tho 19:9 " 'When you reap the harvest of your land, do not reap to the very edges of your field or gather the gleanings of your harvest. ¹⁰ Do not go over your vineyard a second time or pick up the grapes that have fallen. Leave them for the poor and the alien. I am the LORD your God.

What happened to that? First fruits / tithe to God, the last, provision for all others...

Ps. 13:5-6 But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation.⁶ I will sing to the LORD, for he has been good to me.

I do...most of the time, trust in Your unfailing love. I do desire to follow wherever You lead. I do love the journey most of the time....
I hope I remember your unfailing love...Your protection
Help me Jesus PLEASE

Romans 12: ² Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.

Why do I find it so hard to discern Your will?
Why do I have crazy days where I cuss and scream all the way home from work?
Why do I have crazy days where I hate my job and find it so hard to be nice to anyone, let alone everyone who calls?

And the answer comes in the following verse... ³ For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the measure of faith God has given you.

Leviticus 15 - 17; Acts 18; Zechariah 8

I am in great need of You today Abba - today and every day. And the more I recognize my need and sink there, instead of running away from it or fighting against it....what will happen?

What I fear is becoming needy and weird and draining......way too vulnerable. To not live in what I fear... praying today Abba...Help Me Jesus to be honest w/lying has been a way of life.....

Keep Your Lives Simple and Honest
Zechariah 8: 14-17 A Message from God-of-the-Angel-Armies: "In the same way that I decided to punish you when your ancestors made me angry, and didn't pull my punches, at this time I've decided to bless Jerusalem and the country of Judah. Don't be afraid. And now here's what I want you to do: Tell the truth, the whole truth, when you speak. Do the right thing by one another, both personally and in your courts. Don't cook up plans to take unfair advantage of others. Don't do or say what isn't so. I hate all that stuff. Keep your lives simple and honest." Decree of God.

maybe the key is 'when you speak'.....:)

Leviticus 13 & 14; Acts 17; Philippians 2

There's a heaviness this morning.
My heart like lead in my chest
My brain is on overload

breathe

Shining as Stars

Phil. 2: 12 Therefore, my dear friends, as you have always obeyed—not only in my presence, but now much more in my absence—continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling, 13 for it is God who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose.
14 Do everything without complaining or arguing, 15 so that you may become blameless and pure, children of God without fault in a crooked and depraved generation, in which you shine like stars in the universe 16 as you hold out the word of life—in order that I may boast on the day of Christ that I did not run or labor for nothing. 17 But even if I am being poured out like a drink offering on the sacrifice and service coming from your faith, I am glad and rejoice with all of you. 18 So you too should be glad and rejoice with me.

Haiti

South Africa

Homeless here

lost....Christless existences

do something....move counterintuitively....

speak up ....shut up.....

you just don't get it....

you got it now give it away....

failure....failure....failure

fear....fear....fear....

today it all just hurts....

And usually when it hurts like this...You are doing something...now will I run away or fight against it or.......I don't know.....knowing it's You should help right.....all I know is today it hurts.

breathe

Thanks to my Tuesday morning ladies I am going to spend some time here today: "Experiencing the present purely is being empty and hollow; you catch grace as a man fills his cup under a waterfall. " Annie Dillard
I read this quote and I am just struck with a vision of a waterfall and me in it...smack dab in the middle of it with my cup extended trying to fill it and of course you can't. The force of the water is so overwhelming, the force of Your Grace the same.

Trying to take just a cup of grace, just a cup of water from the falls ...and being drenched in the trying.

There is no taking a little grace, in the trying your hand is drenched, your wrist, your arm, your body, your hair and face and neck...the power of the falls is overwhelming. The power of Your Grace....staggering.

I am drenched but the cup is empty, nothing to take away. Nothing to take away, I have to stay smack dab in the middle of the falls, in the middle of your GRACE. Humbly just feeling Your GRACE....

Maybe if I do and become so drenched w/love and grace....I won't be able to stop giving it to others???

So as I am feeling SAD today step into the falls...BE DRENCHED...

So as I am feeling DOWN tomorrow step into the falls...BE DRENCHED...

So as I am feeling angry or joyous or jealous or content the next or the next day...step into the falls...BE DRENCHED....
BE DRENCHED

Stepping into the falls means accepting, humbly accepting…needing His GRACE….

Thanks ladies for this morning…..for….just THANKS b

Lev. 7-9; Acts 15; Hebrews 10

I like 'wet wood'
Those who have experienced the 'fire' of Christ of the Holy Spirit
watching them reignite

What about those who simply don't 'know'
who haven't experienced Your POWER

There are so many failures in my life.....
So many relational mistakes, missteps..

I don't know how to reenter and try again
'loving them where they're at'.....

counterintuitively moving back into relationships where the failure happened

am I supposed to....should I.....

Hebrews 10: ^22-25 So let's do it—full of belief, confident that we're presentable inside and out. Let's keep a firm grip on the promises that keep us going. He always keeps his word. Let's see how inventive we can be in encouraging love and helping out, not avoiding worshiping together as some do but spurring each other on, especially as we see the big Day approaching.

^26-31 If we give up and turn our backs on all we've learned, all we've been given, all the truth we now know, we repudiate Christ's sacrifice and are left on our own to face the Judgment—and a mighty fierce judgment it will be! If the penalty for breaking the law of Moses is physical death, what do you think will happen if you turn on God's Son, spit on the sacrifice that made you whole, and insult this most gracious Spirit? This is no light matter. God has warned us that he'll hold us to account and make us pay. He was quite explicit: "Vengeance is mine, and I won't overlook a thing" and "God will judge his people." Nobody's getting by with anything, believe me.

^32-39 Remember those early days after you first saw the light? Those were the hard times! Kicked around in public, targets of every kind of abuse—some days it was you, other days your friends. If some friends went to prison, you stuck by them. If some enemies broke in and seized your goods, you let them go with a smile, knowing they couldn't touch your real treasure. Nothing they did bothered you, nothing set you back. So don't throw it all away now. You were sure of yourselves then. It's still a sure thing! But you need to stick it out, staying with God's plan so you'll be there for the promised completion.

It won't be long now, he's on the way;
he'll show up most any minute.
But anyone who is right with me thrives on loyal trust;
if he cuts and runs, I won't be very happy.
But we're not quitters who lose out. Oh, no! We'll stay with it and survive, trusting all the way.

Exodus 37 - 38; Psalm 19; Acts 11; Luke 19

All I know is what I can't do

all I do is fight against

When Abba I desire to fight FOR

To be still and know

'suffer' the examination

by-pass the shame

falling deeply into Your Grace

I ain't 'crazy'

I'm just weak

stiff necked

stubborn and

LOVED

So Be still

ass end may be wigglin like crazy

Your time

'be still and KNOW'

to be still and know this day

no matter what

Your time

Be still

Head and heart resting in Your hands

I want it easy for you

I want to swoop in and save the day

I am no super anything

To save you means you miss whatever it is He is teaching you

Everything happens to bring Him glory

To bring us closer to Him and living for His Glory

Exodus 35 & 36; Acts 10 ; Ps. 10

I pretty much can think I am bi-polar or at the very least hormonal and then I read this by a guy who is way smarter than me:

Let me go out on a limb I think most of walk the line between passion and peacefulness. We play it too safe because we fear failure and criticism. I think most of us wake up with the goal of not looking bad or bringing unwelcome attention to ourselves. But I'll make up a rule here that I think is true....If we're not offending someone or risking personal embarassment, with our life endeavors, we're probably making very little impact. That's how influence works it comes with the price of personal unrest.
In almost every endeavor I go after, there is a always a moment of tremendous regret. It's always that moment when I have gone too far to turn back, and there is absolutely no assurance of success. I start cursing my holy discontent, my entrepreneurial nature, and I kick myself for being naive calling it faith. And then, God goes and does something amazing and I go do it all over again. Ben Arment

My passion when it starts to rise gets me in trouble and I think that trouble is when He works. Pray to live RISKY and then ignoring relational risks is just dumb and stiff necked.....and really..
I don't want another 40 years of wandering around....

Exodus 33 & 34; Psalm 16; Acts 9; James 1

Receiver to Giver.......I'm a taker or a shove in your facer....to in soft hearted obedience become different....

So all you said to Moses on the mountain is...?? the NEW covenant that Jesus brought covers all of it.....this book , Falling for God I'm reading ...asking us to come face to face w/You, we can now, in Christ yearn to, actually be in community with You.
It's too good to know....and in reading James KNOWING it and allowing IT to change me are what's next.
I am so scared to live naked and vulnerable in Your protection and yet to think of doing otherwise is frightening in whole other ways.....so I write here to encourage myself....crap...JUST DO IT I hear....
Psalm 16: 7 I will praise the LORD, who counsels me;
even at night my heart instructs me.
8 I have set the LORD always before me.
Because he is at my right hand,
I will not be shaken.
9 Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices;
my body also will rest secure,
10 because you will not abandon me to the grave,
nor will you let your Holy One see decay.
11 You have made known to me the path of life;
you will fill me with joy in your presence,
with eternal pleasures at your right hand.

I want it easy....I who lives a life of such comfort as to be ridiculous wants THIS life to be, continue to BE easy....relationships to BE easy......

Exodus 30 -31; Exodus 32; Acts 8; Matt. 28

Mind Dump:
I got an aunt, in a nursing home, mean as a snake right now or.....her basket is so beat up she is exposed and striking at any and all who might get close. Doesn't make her any less of a snake but she never knew she was a snake. If I hadn't discovered my 'inner snake' I would have never needed the Good News of Jesus...what do I do now?? All I want to do is sit by her bed (while she's dying, don't want to expose myself to her venom right now...nahh the truth is I don't want to inconvenience myself w/trips to Iowa exploring her now ) singing Jesus loves me...what good will that do....so to inconvenience myself and not wait...Jesus help this to go deep so I don't forget.

I love TWITTER....I love hearing what people are doing, thinking....I hate those who judge other's twitters and use it as a platform to criticize. I really don't like blogs either than criticize others....what happened to saying what you believe and trusting that God just might have something to say or use in what others say. What happened to BEING the Good News and trusting God in what you say? What happened to conversation about differences? What happened to seeking more to understand than to be understood...understand I like this concept just don't know how to use it in this arena without exposing all my beliefs and lack of understanding in those beliefs....why am I so scared all the time of revealing what I think? Well beyond the obvious that so much of the time I am thinking about me and how that affects/effects me and ...I need a Peter to call out the Simon in me....I need to be soft enough to respond to that 'calling out'...Acts 8 reference

I so badly want my friends to come to a fund raising banquet in February...do I want them to come and give money or to be introduced to the mission in SA.....can I want both? How to invite, to just trust You in the 'ask'.....

I so badly want Dan to go back to SA this summer and get to help build the Orphan Care Center.

As much as I love and desire our money to go to South Africa..having a SIL from Haiti I am very drawn, concerned for the situation there..praying to KNOW what to do, when to do it and giving money as we can until then...praying to live on less to give more.....and Thanking You for making that happen in both Dan and I...the desire to live to give is new and feels vital and fresh...

I hear don't judge and don't care who judges me...why don't I simply live in that....?