Job 20; Mark 3 & 4

it's all about the 'simple' questions.....and our obedience there.

Job 19; Mark 1-2

In forming a new group, specifically a DG group, several of the women are diagnosed with clinical depression. The beauty of a DG group is we will be focusing on scripture verses and in that focus I wholeheartedly believe they can find comfort or maybe a challenge. The problem is my lack of familiarity personally w/clinical depression and I don't want to be like Job's friends speaking into something I know nothing about. The tension comes in balancing the beauty and the pain, not pain..or maybe it is....the tension of knowing, having experienced the healing from Scripture...the comfort that maybe even begins in confusion or challenge.... and not knowing the pain of depression....I don't know....so much I don't know and the fear and tension that creates in me, in them.....I am afraid and Abba I pray to live in that tension totally and completely dependent on You and Your Spirit...trusting You are guiding this and me...I don't think nor pray it to be easier....I pray Your guidance through it.....

Job 18; Psalm 114; Acts 27-28

I think I am a sheepdog......

Sitting with a gal this morning and all she needs, is to be pointed back to my Shepherd, her Shepherd....she needs to know maybe that He doesn't give up, that He wants her and has a 'sheepdog' out there to point her back to Him. I don't know and yet the ease with which she accepts my nipping at her heels...the conviction - certainty with which I know that's all she needs...I don't know and yet maybe i do...You created me to be so certain of You, like a sheepdog is her Master that everyone would want to be His....I don't know......maybe it's that I'm just another protected sheep of His flock and not a sheepdog....I don't know...what if...I just don't know.

And then Acts 28:6-8 it doesn't matter, can't matter what people think...it's You. I can't worry about pleasing people, I can only do what You say do and You tell me over and over....that it's about Jesus and pointing people, helping people, walking with people there......I don't know how to communicate it....I simply know it's about You and maybe in that knowing You bring people to me that I can share that with. After all a sheepdog only does what her Master tells her, she's not fixated on the sheep, she is fixated on Him.

Job 17; Acts 24 - Acts 26

^{Acts 24: 24-26} A few days later Felix and his wife, Drusilla, who was Jewish, sent for Paul and listened to him talk about a life of believing in Jesus Christ. As Paul continued to insist on right relations with God and his people, about a life of moral discipline and the coming Judgment, Felix felt things getting a little too close for comfort and dismissed him. "That's enough for today. I'll call you back when it's convenient." At the same time he was secretly hoping that Paul would offer him a substantial bribe. These conversations were repeated frequently.

I have always been drawn to this verse. Felix and his coming back over and over to listen to Paul. Paul being asked, in prison and being asked about a life of believing in Jesus Christ. I get it backwards and talk too much trying to TELL people instead of waiting to be asked.
In a new group w/some amazing women 3-4 of them w/clinical depression...wanting desperately for them to find healing in You, in seeking You and Your Son, in following and I have to wait....loving them where they are at, trusting You and Your plan for them and wait to be asked. Reading Job and the damage his friends did at thinking they knew anything about his pain. I don't know a thing about clinical depression, please Abba give me patience and love and empathy to point them to You, to wait with them, to encourage them and ...I don't know what to do, I know I WANT to run away scared and yet too much is saying be still and know You are God...love them where they are at and wait to be asked.....in so many areas of my life and relationships...wait...I journal here and wait.....please Abba guide me to patience...

Job 16; Acts 21-Acts 23

I wanted leaving my job to be a "hey....thanks" and waving cheerily out the door. It's not going to be 'that' easy, after years at a place there are loose ends to be tied up....hours to be paid out, vacation not taken to be paid....I know sounds rough.

I don't know how to leave....or maybe i do and just don't want to look naive and stupid doing it....or maybe it's simply more of my messiness, unwilling to tie up the loose ends and make it a neat departure....I don't know and that's just indicative of most of my life right now...I don't know....
or what I tell myself??

I wish I had a story like Paul's.....as it is mine is pretty uneventful and filled w/stubborn disobedience and GRACE...from God, my husband, my children.....I after being married 33+ years have a husband who literally jumps up and down to spend time with me and I him.....I don't know how this happened..it's Jesus Christ in our lives.....typical and uneventful for those who love Him I think...nothing major and yet everything about my life changed...forever in coming to know Christ..in being covered by His forgiveness and recieving Your Spirit....everything forever changed.

Job 11-12; Acts 13-16

Job 12:13 True wisdom and real power belong to God; from him we learn how to live and also what to live for.

With Your Spirit this truth gives me such HOPE.......

Reading about Paul in Acts is just so cool. A man so lost found...a man so hard becomes soft....soft and yet knowing KNOWING so much and it's in that knowing I think his softness comes...an ability to trust what you know so much.....can endure more than you might imagine.....
The part where he and Barnabas split up because of John Mark's being a quitter...Paul quitting on him, losing his partner. I wonder what that does in all of them later?? Mark's having someone believe in him in spite of his being a quitter....what did Barnabas miss in Paul and Paul in him? None of it was more important than the mission tho...lost to be found....Your word spoken and given away at such personal sacrifice....and yet under such protection.....
I wish I had a less messy brain to figure this out or maybe it's ok to simply be awed by it, driven and awed by it.

Job 9-10; Acts 13-14

I have a messy brain and just hope my heart being as messy that both are centered and focused on You and Your will......took (whether it was given or not) a criticism last nite and don't want to ignore the truth of it and yet not just run away from being messy. This on the heels of being told or observed about me that I have an easy life. I do Abba and I make it hard or noone knows anothers struggles?? Is messy a forgivable sin, does it take away from any giftedness You might have given me? My need for order is so neglible is that wrong? Am I lying to myself, in wanting my own way all the time do I simply run away from order?? All these questions from a back handed comment, what do I DO now Abba.

I read about Job and wonder....how would I react? If this ease of life weren't so? Job asking You Why and answering himself w/wonder at who You are that he can even ask. And him without the forgiveness of Christ, under the law...without Your Spirit? I don't know and in the mess of my brain I don't care, the mystery of who You ARE, have been and always will be draws me deeper and deeper into Your care...that's it isn't it, not deeper and deeper into myself but into YOUR CARE and why do You love us THAT much and how can I give this knowing away?? I can't , I can only live it, in it...deeply deeply in it and DRENCHED with Your Grace keep on trying, stumbling, falling, failing and trying.

Acts 13:39 -43 Through him everyone who believes is justified from everything you could not be justified from by the law of Moses. Take care that what the prophets have said does not happen to you;
"Look you scoffers, wonder and perish,
for I am going to do something in your days
that you would never believe, even if someone told you."
As Paul and Barnabus were leaving the synagogue, the people invited them to speak further about these things on the next Sabbath. When the congregation was dismissed, many of the Jews and devout converts to Judaism followed Paul and Barnabus who talked with them and urged them to continue in the grace of God.

Paul and Barnabus persecuted then leave......52 And the disciples were filled with joy and with the Holy Spirit.....joy listed first.....persecuted and filled w/joy.....and then knowing I believe it's the next chapter they have a disagreement and seperate....but here, partnering in and under harsh circumstances filled w/Joy.... and we can do that now and model that, give proof, not proof...evidence(?) of who You are...talking with people and urging them to journey's of incredible....journey's You have for them.

Job 6-8; Acts 12

My heart is racing this morning, excitement and fears and JOY....breakfast w/a young friend can do that. Sharing hearts and dreams and fears and passions.....sharing passion trusting she hears without taking any of it on, a voice to fight against later, in feeling as tho I call her to the same passion. Both of us trusting the passion You instilled in us...now to get that ease(?) with others, it's not about impressing or coercing it's about sharing the Love You gave to us and trusting that in each other. And in not knowing how, in screwing up over and over, humbly accepting Your Grace maybe it gets...easier...better....we get softer?? Seeing how it's basically me wanting my own way and being ashamed/forgiven...softer and humbler...vulnerable??

Job 6: 14 When desperate people give up on God Almighty, their friends, at least should stick with them.
And then in Acts 12....Peter rescued by God

I am not that friend. I come up to you and if I come against a desire for help, a willingness to look inside and move I stick...and if what I percieve as self pity and a lack of movement.....I don't stick. And here I hear that IS my role, IF my passion is Christ and knowing how You save why do I not?? an unwillingness to be inconvenienced, to give up my time and God only knows how much time that would be.....and yet You are the one who saves and my role is to wait with them...being Still with them. Being still and knowing KNOWING that YOU are God......this sounds really hard Abba.....really really hard.

'and what makes you think any of this is easy?'

Job 5; Psalm 108; Acts 10-11

I read this...particularly this sentence
"It is very easy to choose to pity or judge someone. It is entirely more difficult to choose to love them enough, to work hard to meet them where they are and understand them. This is what is required to enter into relationships w/people who are different from us. This is what is required in order to be love to those people we have very little in common with and to reach out to the hurting and lost among us."
she uses pregnant teens it could be anyone.....

I want to run away......
I need to stay put.

I want to scream and yell...
I need to stay quiet.

I want to stomp my feet and demand.....
I need to wait.

I need to PRAISE You for everything and I want to ask for more.
I need to listen more than speak and I want to be asked.

Thank you Abba for finding me, forgiving me no matter how far I wander...for at the slightest inclination of humbling myself, You running towards me. I am sorry Abba for forgetting, defiantly not being satisfied w/Your love and protection. I am sorry

Job 1-4 ; Acts 6-9

Loved the part in Job where God offers Job to Satan....always thot of Satan asking permission of God to mess with him and here I see God tricking Satan into picking Job. Gives me a kind of comfort I guess. God knew Job's heart and his ability (?) to withstand Satan's messing with him. Satan, the great manipulator...manipulated by my God..... gives me a little smile...;)

aww Eliphaz....to not be able to sit with a friend and listen, to always have a WORD to say, encouragment to offer, solutions..........see so much of myself in Job's friends.....


And then in Acts...Stephen filled w/the Holy Spirit and eyes on God.....able to withstand....and there's Saul, giving approval to his stoning and having his own experience w/Christ later...so much mystery to and in my God....to live in that seeking You always and forever and living in the mystery.....a Triune God loving us so much....

Malachi 3-4; Ps 148;Acts 5

Malachi 3: ^6-7"I am God—yes, I Am. I haven't changed. And because I haven't changed, you, the descendants of Jacob, haven't been destroyed. You have a long history of ignoring my commands. You haven't done a thing I've told you. Return to me so I can return to you," says God-of-the-Angel-Armies.(choice / free will??)

"You ask, 'But how do we return?'

^8-11"Begin by being honest. Do honest people rob God? But you rob me day after day.

"You ask, 'How have we robbed you?'

"The tithe and the offering—that's how! And now you're under a curse —the whole lot of you—because you're robbing me. Bring your full tithe to the Temple treasury so there will be ample provisions in my Temple. Test me in this and see if I don't open up heaven itself to you and pour out blessings beyond your wildest dreams. For my part, I will defend you against marauders, protect your wheat fields and vegetable gardens against plunderers." The Message of God-of-the-Angel-Armies.

¹²"You'll be voted 'Happiest Nation.' You'll experience what it's like to be a country of grace." God-of-the-Angel-Armies says so.

To give no less w/leaving my job...don't know how...didn't know how and here you say TRUST You...eyes on Jesus, praying in Your Spirit buckle down and just do it and then Ps. 148 Praising You while we do it, every step of the way.
And then in Acts, Ananais and Sapphira didn't do it...lied about it.....didn't TRUST You, didn't choose You and then lied about it...test You, turn to You and be forgiven, never trifle or lie to You...be soft and live protected, not safe, never safe RISKY and protected.....

Nehemiah 13; Malachi 1-2; Acts 4

Peter and John...so different..so committed to the message of Jesus...delivering and living THAT message.

it's been interesting here at work, people asking bewilderedly 'what will you DO?'....

it's right there every time...tears and passion and I try so hard to keep them in check and then think....maybe....maybe...I just tell them.

I want to do Discovering God Bible Studies...i want to walk alongside hurting women, stay at home Mom's, struggling wives....marriages...I want to walk with them to a new way of relating with You....and as that relationship blossoms and grows, watch them relate differently with others.....

some smile, some tear up, some step back and away.....Peter and John, so different..so committed to delivering and living that message.....I don't know how or what to do Abba....help me.

Nehemiah 11-12; Psalm 1; Acts 3

Oh wow Abba...gave my notice at work yesterday.......ahhhhhhh

It's been a prayerful decision......we've tried to listen and know that ultimately it's us making a decision and wanting to DO things later.
We both have this dream of a toy hauler...motorcycle in the back, small living area in the front and storage for bins. Bins filled w/supplies to help people and for us to go from natural crisis to natural crisis and help....Dan loving the physical labor of rebuilding and me, taking care of kids of Moms and then in the evenings...maybe have DG studies with verses around recovery...maybe
I don't know it's a dream....is it a God given dream??.....dreams are risky and scary.... And I can work the next 4 years selling stuff so we can do it...it's a dream, maybe too big I don't know...it's a dream...dreams you keep quiet, to yourself..prayerfully pursue?? I don't know this is scary.

Acts always gives me chills, even before knowing Christ I read about this time and was blown away by what God kept doing in and through people....wishing hoping to be a part of something like that. I have been at Shoal Creek there's been a movement of Your Spirit...i have more often than not been an unknowing hindrance to people experiencing You because I thought it had to look a certain way and You simply, unalterably continue to bring people to a knowledge..a relationship w/Christ......it's been beautiful to watch and be a part of....Praising You God for all that you do in churches all over in spite of and through broken people....

^{Acts 3: 17-18}"And now, friends, I know you had no idea what you were doing when you killed Jesus, and neither did your leaders. But God, who through the preaching of all the prophets had said all along that his Messiah would be killed, knew exactly what you were doing and used it to fulfill his plans.

^19-23"Now it's time to change your ways! Turn to face God so he can wipe away your sins, pour out showers of blessing to refresh you, and send you the Messiah he prepared for you, namely, Jesus. For the time being he must remain out of sight in heaven until everything is restored to order again just the way God, through the preaching of his holy prophets of old, said it would be. Moses, for instance, said, 'Your God will raise up for you a prophet just like me from your family. Listen to every word he speaks to you. Every last living soul who refuses to listen to that prophet will be wiped out from the people.'

^24-26"All the prophets from Samuel on down said the same thing, said most emphatically that these days would come. These prophets, along with the covenant God made with your ancestors, are your family tree. God's covenant-word to Abraham provides the text: 'By your offspring all the families of the earth will be blessed.' But you are first in line: God, having raised up his Son, sent him to bless you as you turn, one by one, from your evil ways."

Nehemiah 9-10; Acts 2

A morning spent spent talking to God turns into listening.....

Reading about Acts 2 community.....praying to in the listening and being DRENCHED to listen to others and dampen them with Your grace.

Nehemiah 7-8; Acts 1

So much to THANK YOU for Abba.....
Nehemiah 8:10.....The joy of God is your strength!.....

For years I have been praying for a spiritual awakening or revival of the Holy Spirit - am I waiting? Am I supposed to? What if it's happening now and I simply need to be a part of it??

Acts intro by Eugene Peterson: Luke makes it clear that these Christians he wrote about were not more spectators of Jesus that Jesus was a spectator of God - they are in the action of God, God acting in them, God living in them. Which means of course in us.

There were so many moments in LA that were awkward and yet in the pushing through the awkwardness there was so much JOY...so much clarity, if only briefly. Briefly that I get out of the way and see YOU in situations, in others.
To live in awkward...to get my JOY from Christ, Your Spirit in me pushing me to LOVE and not be so dang concerned with getting my own way.....

Here's Nehemiah.....