Job 26-27; Mark 15-16

There is much I am afraid of and yet in the fear I sense You saying MOVE.....
There is much I want to handle and manipulate and I sense You saying Be Still.....
There is so much I want to fight against and I sense You saying...for how long, Becky for how long?
Which starts the cycle all over again......proving AGAIN it's me wanting what I want over and over again......the tears I feel burning this morning are heartfelt sadness at being so stubborn.

And here's Job lamenting to God...and Jesus so quietly suffering unimaginably......

I am sure no Job, no first hand knowledge of the suffering against which he is lamenting...can't even begin to think about what my Christ suffered.....no comparing the two even...Jesus was God...fully human and fully divine.....

What I see here is a lack of obedience, not just stubbornness on my part.....and here I need GRACE and in accepting it, being absolutely drenched with it......just humbly, gratefully be drenched....feeling crazy and wishing someone read here...needing to rest in Your knowing me....You and Dan and Lynz, and it's not knowing that I want, I imagine it's encouragement, more inability to call something what it is I guess...so to BE so very grateful that You know, that I have a husband who even tried to know, a daughter...and Janie, I am so grateful you brought her into my life, someone who let's me know her and ........ be so grateful for that and a whole passel of friends ....not their fault I hold back parts of myself from them thinking they can't handle it.....so grateful .....and be maybe that person someone needs seeking to know them, encourage them....
And drenched...forgiven ...that desire seems to be more real and less about me....I write here this mess of emotions and feelings and thots and pray that You help me sort them out...to live out the ones that are of You...hmmm