wondering if that's me......
wondering if the dissatisfaction is Holy or just plain more of me wanting what I want??
wondering and choosing (?) to step into the pain of seeing the truth
Friday, April 30, 2010
Thursday, April 29, 2010
Truth and Perspective
Been thinking and asking folks close to me where they find their truth....
and then this morning perspective comes up....how when I sit in my shit I can't see anything but shit.....what does someone see looking in...at me???
What does He see??
But the thing is how do I adjust my perspective??? Or maybe how do I let another into my reality...my truth to help me w/perspective???
This morning reading James ....He says we're gonna have troubles, times of extreme troubles and He asks us to look to Him and buck up....see it for what it is, Him bringing us closer to Himself......He says ASK....you better not doubt before you ask tho.....cause He's gonna answer and maybe IF I really knew/know Him I will trust His answer.....
So today....As You wish....Abba gonna try and live 'as You wish'....
and then this morning perspective comes up....how when I sit in my shit I can't see anything but shit.....what does someone see looking in...at me???
What does He see??
But the thing is how do I adjust my perspective??? Or maybe how do I let another into my reality...my truth to help me w/perspective???
This morning reading James ....He says we're gonna have troubles, times of extreme troubles and He asks us to look to Him and buck up....see it for what it is, Him bringing us closer to Himself......He says ASK....you better not doubt before you ask tho.....cause He's gonna answer and maybe IF I really knew/know Him I will trust His answer.....
So today....As You wish....Abba gonna try and live 'as You wish'....
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
From an old Journal Entry
Not better ~ Not worse ~ DIFFERENT…hard realization for me in fact I can still fall into looking for those better or worse than me rather than realizing how different we all are.
I had a normal 50-60’s childhood
Catholic large enough family
Married young to the ‘perfect’ husband producing the ‘perfect’ family (w/dogs even)
IF everything was so perfect, why was I so scared to death my kids were going to end up just like me??
Because IF I stopped long enough to ‘think’ about it, ‘it’ wasn’t so much perfect as something was missing ~ so it was easier to not think about it. After all I could always find those worse off than me.
Having your children close to leaving makes you think. There had been brief moments before where perhaps a mild panic attack would set in but there were many things I could do to stop ‘thinking’
*Have another child
*Get another dog
*Join something
*Volunteer somewhere
*Party with friends
But with a Senior in HS the inevitability of her leaving was undeniable…”God... I had to find God for her before she left, they left.”
Around this time there was a funeral for a friend of my daughters, a suicide, a dad killing himself his daughters SR year…??It was a Catholic service and I hadn’t been to church in a LONNNNG time, expected to feel guilty and hear …
you know I don’t know what I ‘thought’ I would hear but I didn’t. It was Roy and what he said was ‘different’ from anything I had ever heard at a Catholic funeral, let alone a suicide. He made me think~ To ‘think’ differently meant thinking period and I pretty much led a ‘reactive’ life, avoiding too much thinking. Any questions I had scared me and so don’t think just:
*Have another child ~ but oops we were too old
*Get another dog ~ but by then we had found out we weren’t DOG PEOPLE
*Join something ~ the kids were too old for PTA so I started different things
*Volunteer somewhere
I was thinking, but for me it is more ‘obsessing’ and in the obsessing... panic was setting in. So we went to this church at the Community Center and THIS was a big deal because we were cradle Catholics and were a bit scared of anything outside the norm and for us NORMAL was Mass, no matter if it was unsatisfactory or not THAT was our normal. But we went and
*It was entertaining
*They talked about God wayyy different that I had ever heard
*They talked about a ‘hole’
*They encouraged us to ASK questions, I had grown up being told OBEDIENCE
was what was important…
*They talked about the Bible and it’s place in their lives
This was very different and somewhat scary and yet very intriguing.
In being intrigued I wanted to join a Small Group and this is when it got very interesting. Before, friends were about talking about or complaining about life, having fun and drinking and escape or at least it felt like being with them was an escape, for me anyway. We talked about ‘stuff’, except for what was going on inside of us..... I wouldn’t /couldn’t talk about what I was thinking without obsessing so just IGNORE and push it down.
In Small Group this guy would talk about himself and what God was showing him ~ about how he was this miserable sinner?? Every week Dan and I would walk out shaking and scratching our heads thinking….what the hell is he talking about??
And yet we were intrigued.
They encouraged questions and never made us feel bad about what we were asking or what we didn’t know
They talked about REAL stuff
They asked us questions and listened and made us feel heard
They challenged us and encouraged us and made us THINK
They talked about Jesus like they KNEW Him and that made me WANT to know Him too.
It took a depth of thought for me that I had always been scared of and then I recognized or God showed me that depth of thought did not have to lead to obsessing.
I read a quote that insanity was doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results and that in my obsessing I was THAT definition and I discovered that depth of thought was leading me to change and as scary as that was, I wanted to change.
We were reading all sorts of books and experiences from those books and discussions were huge for me.
IN reading Abbas Child, hearing that ‘God was fond of me’
In reading Return of the Prodigal- seeing myself as the prodigal son~ well first I had to see myself as the elder brother but seeing him as AWAY from the Father.
WE got baptized, not sure even then I KNEW what I was doing but I KNEW I wanted to spend the rest of my life figuring it out……
We got in to Small Group Leadership and that brought lots of challenges. Seeing myself as filled with judgement and expectations (real Elder Brother stuff ). So seeing myself for who I really was, a snake in a basket is the picture I got. A pretty enough, functional enough basket unless you didn’t appreciate my look and function and ‘started beating on the basket asking me questions' and then I would strike.
I discovered that how I did and do things to make myself look and feel better.
Being a people person that hurt because I thought’ I did things FOR others but in reality everything I did and do without Christ is about getting you to like me, to approve of me, to affirm me. I am addicted to, driven by a need for others approval.
So when Roy said to BE SG leaders we HAD to read the Bible and journal our thoughts. I did it.
THAT changed me, is changing me. It is making me think differently and in that depth of thought I got/get scared and confused. And in that fear and confusion I found something bigger than me.
And I am so grateful for that because during this time my middle daughter was depressed ~ depressed to the point of almost needing hospitalization. And I remember asking Roy “how can we FIX her” ...Why couldn’t we give her this new religion we had found??
His answer totally pissed me off. He said, ‘You can’t give away what you don’t have’
That for me is when the rubber hit the road ~
This better be real because if it’s not then….
I cried out to God ~ prayed ~ wrestled with everything.
In that wrestling I always lost and yet in the losing God was getting bigger and bigger. The bible was becoming food for me. He was becoming my comforter ~ my provoker~my protector ~ my challenger.
IF He could love a snake in a basket and more and more I saw that THAT was what I was…Then THIS GOD ~ seeking Him ~ could ‘fix’ anything.
Fix is not about what I know .
Seeking Him~ wrestling with Him ~ losing to Him
IT IS in the losing that I have experienced GRACE….
I TRUSTED Him and His plan.
I don’t know it
I don’t maybe always LIKE it
But I can trust it and stop managing …fixing everything and TRUST His mystery…His goodness convinces me.
So in ‘depth of thought’ (in thinking still) I saw /see who I was, where I was and instead of running away ~ ignoring it….All that other people had told me about why Jesus died became personal.
Again I didn’t LIKE it but I’m not sure we ever LIKE the TRUTH.
And the truth is Jesus lived , was born to save us from ourselves. He died to make us right with God. And I will be on the journey the rest of my life to accept the magnitude of that truth. So I love that it is a journey and I believe and trust the mystery of God.
Addendum: 04/27/10
The truth, been engaging friends and fellow sojourners about where TRUTH comes from. The responses are fun and yet not as prolific and conversational as I wanted......
I think David and Peter were drama queens....
I mean look at David, always giving all credit to God and the Psalms...good lord, lamenting loudly to You. And Peter, well look at him on the boat all his buddies are sleeping and awed by Jesus walking on the water and Peter's like....'look look look at me...can I come and walk with you?'...
and I think I may be one too....feeling emotions powerfully and realizing I don't, people don't like drama queens so I try to push down that part of me....and if the truth is I am a drama queen how do I live in this world in love with, wrestling with, seeking You and Your heart in a way that doesn't offend people?? Doesn't make me look weird?
I had a normal 50-60’s childhood
Catholic large enough family
Married young to the ‘perfect’ husband producing the ‘perfect’ family (w/dogs even)
IF everything was so perfect, why was I so scared to death my kids were going to end up just like me??
Because IF I stopped long enough to ‘think’ about it, ‘it’ wasn’t so much perfect as something was missing ~ so it was easier to not think about it. After all I could always find those worse off than me.
Having your children close to leaving makes you think. There had been brief moments before where perhaps a mild panic attack would set in but there were many things I could do to stop ‘thinking’
*Have another child
*Get another dog
*Join something
*Volunteer somewhere
*Party with friends
But with a Senior in HS the inevitability of her leaving was undeniable…”God... I had to find God for her before she left, they left.”
Around this time there was a funeral for a friend of my daughters, a suicide, a dad killing himself his daughters SR year…??It was a Catholic service and I hadn’t been to church in a LONNNNG time, expected to feel guilty and hear …
you know I don’t know what I ‘thought’ I would hear but I didn’t. It was Roy and what he said was ‘different’ from anything I had ever heard at a Catholic funeral, let alone a suicide. He made me think~ To ‘think’ differently meant thinking period and I pretty much led a ‘reactive’ life, avoiding too much thinking. Any questions I had scared me and so don’t think just:
*Have another child ~ but oops we were too old
*Get another dog ~ but by then we had found out we weren’t DOG PEOPLE
*Join something ~ the kids were too old for PTA so I started different things
*Volunteer somewhere
I was thinking, but for me it is more ‘obsessing’ and in the obsessing... panic was setting in. So we went to this church at the Community Center and THIS was a big deal because we were cradle Catholics and were a bit scared of anything outside the norm and for us NORMAL was Mass, no matter if it was unsatisfactory or not THAT was our normal. But we went and
*It was entertaining
*They talked about God wayyy different that I had ever heard
*They talked about a ‘hole’
*They encouraged us to ASK questions, I had grown up being told OBEDIENCE
was what was important…
*They talked about the Bible and it’s place in their lives
This was very different and somewhat scary and yet very intriguing.
In being intrigued I wanted to join a Small Group and this is when it got very interesting. Before, friends were about talking about or complaining about life, having fun and drinking and escape or at least it felt like being with them was an escape, for me anyway. We talked about ‘stuff’, except for what was going on inside of us..... I wouldn’t /couldn’t talk about what I was thinking without obsessing so just IGNORE and push it down.
In Small Group this guy would talk about himself and what God was showing him ~ about how he was this miserable sinner?? Every week Dan and I would walk out shaking and scratching our heads thinking….what the hell is he talking about??
And yet we were intrigued.
They encouraged questions and never made us feel bad about what we were asking or what we didn’t know
They talked about REAL stuff
They asked us questions and listened and made us feel heard
They challenged us and encouraged us and made us THINK
They talked about Jesus like they KNEW Him and that made me WANT to know Him too.
It took a depth of thought for me that I had always been scared of and then I recognized or God showed me that depth of thought did not have to lead to obsessing.
I read a quote that insanity was doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results and that in my obsessing I was THAT definition and I discovered that depth of thought was leading me to change and as scary as that was, I wanted to change.
We were reading all sorts of books and experiences from those books and discussions were huge for me.
IN reading Abbas Child, hearing that ‘God was fond of me’
In reading Return of the Prodigal- seeing myself as the prodigal son~ well first I had to see myself as the elder brother but seeing him as AWAY from the Father.
WE got baptized, not sure even then I KNEW what I was doing but I KNEW I wanted to spend the rest of my life figuring it out……
We got in to Small Group Leadership and that brought lots of challenges. Seeing myself as filled with judgement and expectations (real Elder Brother stuff ). So seeing myself for who I really was, a snake in a basket is the picture I got. A pretty enough, functional enough basket unless you didn’t appreciate my look and function and ‘started beating on the basket asking me questions' and then I would strike.
I discovered that how I did and do things to make myself look and feel better.
Being a people person that hurt because I thought’ I did things FOR others but in reality everything I did and do without Christ is about getting you to like me, to approve of me, to affirm me. I am addicted to, driven by a need for others approval.
So when Roy said to BE SG leaders we HAD to read the Bible and journal our thoughts. I did it.
THAT changed me, is changing me. It is making me think differently and in that depth of thought I got/get scared and confused. And in that fear and confusion I found something bigger than me.
And I am so grateful for that because during this time my middle daughter was depressed ~ depressed to the point of almost needing hospitalization. And I remember asking Roy “how can we FIX her” ...Why couldn’t we give her this new religion we had found??
His answer totally pissed me off. He said, ‘You can’t give away what you don’t have’
That for me is when the rubber hit the road ~
This better be real because if it’s not then….
I cried out to God ~ prayed ~ wrestled with everything.
In that wrestling I always lost and yet in the losing God was getting bigger and bigger. The bible was becoming food for me. He was becoming my comforter ~ my provoker~my protector ~ my challenger.
IF He could love a snake in a basket and more and more I saw that THAT was what I was…Then THIS GOD ~ seeking Him ~ could ‘fix’ anything.
Fix is not about what I know .
Seeking Him~ wrestling with Him ~ losing to Him
IT IS in the losing that I have experienced GRACE….
I TRUSTED Him and His plan.
I don’t know it
I don’t maybe always LIKE it
But I can trust it and stop managing …fixing everything and TRUST His mystery…His goodness convinces me.
So in ‘depth of thought’ (in thinking still) I saw /see who I was, where I was and instead of running away ~ ignoring it….All that other people had told me about why Jesus died became personal.
Again I didn’t LIKE it but I’m not sure we ever LIKE the TRUTH.
And the truth is Jesus lived , was born to save us from ourselves. He died to make us right with God. And I will be on the journey the rest of my life to accept the magnitude of that truth. So I love that it is a journey and I believe and trust the mystery of God.
Addendum: 04/27/10
The truth, been engaging friends and fellow sojourners about where TRUTH comes from. The responses are fun and yet not as prolific and conversational as I wanted......
I think David and Peter were drama queens....
I mean look at David, always giving all credit to God and the Psalms...good lord, lamenting loudly to You. And Peter, well look at him on the boat all his buddies are sleeping and awed by Jesus walking on the water and Peter's like....'look look look at me...can I come and walk with you?'...
and I think I may be one too....feeling emotions powerfully and realizing I don't, people don't like drama queens so I try to push down that part of me....and if the truth is I am a drama queen how do I live in this world in love with, wrestling with, seeking You and Your heart in a way that doesn't offend people?? Doesn't make me look weird?
Monday, April 26, 2010
Friday, April 23, 2010
1 Samuel 27; Psalm 141; 1 Chronicles 9; Matthew 10
fatigued and overwhelmed and selfishly disappointed instead of grateful and awed and moved....bottom line, self focused instead of focused on You.......
so here I am Abba none of it hidden from You and You still say come......
Matthew 10: 26"So do not be afraid of them. There is nothing concealed that will not be disclosed, or hidden that will not be made known. 27 What I tell you in the dark, speak in the daylight; what is whispered in your ear, proclaim from the roofs. 28 Do not be afraid of those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul. Rather, be afraid of the One who can destroy both soul and body in hell. 29 Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground apart from the will of your Father. 30 And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. 31 So don't be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.
32 "Whoever acknowledges me before men, I will also acknowledge him before my Father in heaven. 33 But whoever disowns me before men, I will disown him before my Father in heaven.
34"Do not suppose that I have come to bring peace to the earth. I did not come to bring peace, but a sword. 35 For I have come to turn" 'a man against his father, a daughter against her mother, a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law -36 a man's enemies will be the members of his own household.'
so here I am Abba none of it hidden from You and You still say come......
Matthew 10: 26"So do not be afraid of them. There is nothing concealed that will not be disclosed, or hidden that will not be made known. 27 What I tell you in the dark, speak in the daylight; what is whispered in your ear, proclaim from the roofs. 28 Do not be afraid of those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul. Rather, be afraid of the One who can destroy both soul and body in hell. 29 Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground apart from the will of your Father. 30 And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. 31 So don't be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.
32 "Whoever acknowledges me before men, I will also acknowledge him before my Father in heaven. 33 But whoever disowns me before men, I will disown him before my Father in heaven.
34"Do not suppose that I have come to bring peace to the earth. I did not come to bring peace, but a sword. 35 For I have come to turn" 'a man against his father, a daughter against her mother, a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law -36 a man's enemies will be the members of his own household.'
Thursday, April 22, 2010
1 Samuel 25-26; Psalm 63; Matthew 9
The snake is quieted if not fully dead.....
The hope of Christ compels me to keep on going, looking inside and around and into........seriously I just used /compels me......but that is exactly what it is and to deny the power of Your Spirit taking me places I maybe don't WANT to go, painful places....but the comfort and presence of You in that pain compels me....
To encourage Shea to remain in the pain of SA, of seeing Aids, starving and abused children...I have to KNOW Your comfort to push her there....encourage her to follow wherever it is You lead them...http://ohhowsheruns.wordpress.com/
So Abba, Jesus, Holy Spirit move us who live in denial to coming out of it and closer to Your truth....
The hope of Christ compels me to keep on going, looking inside and around and into........seriously I just used /compels me......but that is exactly what it is and to deny the power of Your Spirit taking me places I maybe don't WANT to go, painful places....but the comfort and presence of You in that pain compels me....
To encourage Shea to remain in the pain of SA, of seeing Aids, starving and abused children...I have to KNOW Your comfort to push her there....encourage her to follow wherever it is You lead them...http://ohhowsheruns.wordpress.com/
So Abba, Jesus, Holy Spirit move us who live in denial to coming out of it and closer to Your truth....
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
1 Samuel 24; Psalm 57&58; 1 Chron. 8; Matthew 8
David, cutting off a piece of Sauls robe and telling his men...'look what God gave me' and then telling that to Saul's men.
The leper and the centurions faith...the humilty and faith of the leper in saying.....'I know you can do this and.... IF you are willing to do it, make me clean.'.....
So a day of giving all glory to You and living in FAITH, humble faith.....that's the ACTION for today. Willingly giving it all to YOU, minute by minute, second by second, situation by situation.
The leper and the centurions faith...the humilty and faith of the leper in saying.....'I know you can do this and.... IF you are willing to do it, make me clean.'.....
So a day of giving all glory to You and living in FAITH, humble faith.....that's the ACTION for today. Willingly giving it all to YOU, minute by minute, second by second, situation by situation.
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
1 Samuel 23; Psalm 31 & 54; Matthew 7
How does a sheep who thinks she's a sheep dog operate??
I want to be like Jonathan to David.....
David wanted the encouragement....took the challenge later....turned wholeheartedly over and over to You....
I have a nephew making some choices right now that in his youth I don't think he knows the impact they are going to have.....there's a very young girl and now a baby on the way.....he grew up less than ideally due to choices his mom made.....there's so much at stake from where I sit....and sitting in judgement is probably what it 'feels' like to him...I imagine that's what a sheep dog looks like to people....like I'm thinking I know more than they do...I am after all simply another sheep......a sheep dog looks to protect those in her charge....Brent is not in my charge.....I can't protect anyone.....how do I love him where he's at and encourage him in You....??
I want to be like Jonathan to David.....
David wanted the encouragement....took the challenge later....turned wholeheartedly over and over to You....
I have a nephew making some choices right now that in his youth I don't think he knows the impact they are going to have.....there's a very young girl and now a baby on the way.....he grew up less than ideally due to choices his mom made.....there's so much at stake from where I sit....and sitting in judgement is probably what it 'feels' like to him...I imagine that's what a sheep dog looks like to people....like I'm thinking I know more than they do...I am after all simply another sheep......a sheep dog looks to protect those in her charge....Brent is not in my charge.....I can't protect anyone.....how do I love him where he's at and encourage him in You....??
Monday, April 19, 2010
1 Samuel 22; Psalm 17 - 35; Matthew 6
The honest emotion of the Psalms by David......
NIV Matt. 6: 33 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.
MSG vs. 34"Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don't get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes.
Willingly.........honestly gonna try today Abba versus willfully continuing to just run around wanting what I want attempting to control every flippin thing........and You know the the potential that has for pain today.....the pain of fighting You every step of the way.....help me Abba....
NIV Matt. 6: 33 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.
MSG vs. 34"Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don't get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes.
Willingly.........honestly gonna try today Abba versus willfully continuing to just run around wanting what I want attempting to control every flippin thing........and You know the the potential that has for pain today.....the pain of fighting You every step of the way.....help me Abba....
Friday, April 16, 2010
33 Years with this man ...Thank You Abba
Still painful today but in reading Ps. 11 why would I run anywhere, try to escape...You are with me in it and won't leave me to shame. it's me who would take that cowards route. I have this man to encourage me, not fix or try to alleviate the pain but walk with me right into it and that is way more than I deserve....Matthew 3: 8 Produce fruit in keeping with repentance.
Now let me tell you what he is
an amazing husband, father and papa
a loving and inspiring mentor
not too much he won't tackle either in task or relationships
he learns quickly and is easily led
an insightful leader of his family and men who seek him out
kind
gentle
loving and patient
strong and yet in his growing willingness to look inside, in his brokenness allowing God to make him even stronger
one hell of a motorcycle rider :)
Thursday, April 15, 2010
1 Samuel 17; Psalm 9; Matthew 2
Willful vs willing
I so see myself over and over as unwilling and what I need to see is the reality of it's being a 'willfulness' that sweeps over me.....heck that resides in me.
The counterintuitiveness of being willing....the call to an obedience to it, that being.....the sense of Your calling me over and over, checking my willingness.....
I pray today to BE willing and soft and vulnerable....Risky to be sure but thinking riskier to be disobedient and willful/sinful in refusing....
From shepherd to giant killer....first indications of David's craziness/wholehearted devotion to God......wholehearted devotion and then the Psalm praising and devoting his thots and victories and everything to you.....Psalm 9: 10 Those who know your name will trust in you, for you, LORD, have never forsaken those who seek you....a seeking heart YOU never deny....it's not easy or without hardship or pain.....risky and crazy sometimes......
willing......please Abba, Jesus...Holy Spirit....I so want to be willing forgive my sinful willful heart....I want to be crazy for You....
I so see myself over and over as unwilling and what I need to see is the reality of it's being a 'willfulness' that sweeps over me.....heck that resides in me.
The counterintuitiveness of being willing....the call to an obedience to it, that being.....the sense of Your calling me over and over, checking my willingness.....
I pray today to BE willing and soft and vulnerable....Risky to be sure but thinking riskier to be disobedient and willful/sinful in refusing....
From shepherd to giant killer....first indications of David's craziness/wholehearted devotion to God......wholehearted devotion and then the Psalm praising and devoting his thots and victories and everything to you.....Psalm 9: 10 Those who know your name will trust in you, for you, LORD, have never forsaken those who seek you....a seeking heart YOU never deny....it's not easy or without hardship or pain.....risky and crazy sometimes......
willing......please Abba, Jesus...Holy Spirit....I so want to be willing forgive my sinful willful heart....I want to be crazy for You....
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
1 Samuel 15&16
Saul is willful and blatantly disobedient
self worshiping
a liar
weak and excuse laden
sorry but NOT repentant
prideful
With God all things are possible so that in Christ I can be
willing and obedient
forgiven and worshipful
truthful and authentically transparent
repentant and forgiven
in forgiveness humbly follow
Please Abba I don't want to BE Saul....Thank you for Jesus, Your Spirit I don't have to. As painful as it is please more revealing of the evil of my heart.....You see the snake yet again stirring and the basket is becoming so old and weak....kill the snake that is me. My inner dialogue here lately~ I am so ashamed....w/God all things are possible. In Christ we are never abandoned. Saul became more and more crazy in his lack of devotion to You......
'tell our stories of surrender and rescue'
But it's so confusing Abba....
no it's not confusing it is unbelievable....
Saul to David
Snake to ....??
If I'm not a snake in a basket who am I?
Parying to discover and embrace the me You desire me to be....
Fearfully moving in that direction......to see the snake
Saul is willful and blatantly disobedient
self worshiping
a liar
weak and excuse laden
sorry but NOT repentant
prideful
With God all things are possible so that in Christ I can be
willing and obedient
forgiven and worshipful
truthful and authentically transparent
repentant and forgiven
in forgiveness humbly follow
Please Abba I don't want to BE Saul....Thank you for Jesus, Your Spirit I don't have to. As painful as it is please more revealing of the evil of my heart.....You see the snake yet again stirring and the basket is becoming so old and weak....kill the snake that is me. My inner dialogue here lately~ I am so ashamed....w/God all things are possible. In Christ we are never abandoned. Saul became more and more crazy in his lack of devotion to You......
'tell our stories of surrender and rescue'
But it's so confusing Abba....
no it's not confusing it is unbelievable....
Saul to David
Snake to ....??
If I'm not a snake in a basket who am I?
Parying to discover and embrace the me You desire me to be....
Fearfully moving in that direction......to see the snake
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Saul and Jonathon
Father and Son
Willful and Willing
Better to be crazy for You than go crazy denying Your pull in my life.....
1 Sam. 14: 6 Perhaps the Lord will act in our behalf....
Perhaps??!! Really Abba, perhaps....you will act on our behalf...
Maybe .....perhaps.....seeking the affirmation and approval of others has stopped my moving towards what You want??
Maybe...perhaps....being called crazy / insane stopped me from being crazy for You....
So, to dream just You and me what would that look like??
Saul = willful
Jonathon = willing
CRAP there it is again, am I willing to not only seek only You and Your will but to accept it??
am I humble enough to live powerless
am I in powerlessness and the chaos that brings in me willing to trust You and Your will??
2 Cor. 13: 7 Now we pray to God that you will not do anything wrong. Not that people will see that we have stood the test but that you will do what is right even tho we may seem to have failed.....
You're not a failure until you quit....ok Abba I'm not quitting...I surrender but I am not quitting...
Father and Son
Willful and Willing
Better to be crazy for You than go crazy denying Your pull in my life.....
1 Sam. 14: 6 Perhaps the Lord will act in our behalf....
Perhaps??!! Really Abba, perhaps....you will act on our behalf...
Maybe .....perhaps.....seeking the affirmation and approval of others has stopped my moving towards what You want??
Maybe...perhaps....being called crazy / insane stopped me from being crazy for You....
So, to dream just You and me what would that look like??
Saul = willful
Jonathon = willing
CRAP there it is again, am I willing to not only seek only You and Your will but to accept it??
am I humble enough to live powerless
am I in powerlessness and the chaos that brings in me willing to trust You and Your will??
2 Cor. 13: 7 Now we pray to God that you will not do anything wrong. Not that people will see that we have stood the test but that you will do what is right even tho we may seem to have failed.....
You're not a failure until you quit....ok Abba I'm not quitting...I surrender but I am not quitting...
Monday, April 12, 2010
Friday, April 9, 2010
Thursday, April 8, 2010
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
2 Corinthians 7: 10 Distress that drives us to God does that. It turns us around. It gets us back in the way of salvation. We never regret that kind of pain. But those who let distress drive them away from God are full of regrets, end up on a deathbed of regrets.
11-13 And now, isn't it wonderful all the ways in which this distress has goaded you closer to God? You're more alive, more concerned, more sensitive, more reverent, more human, more passionate, more responsible. Looked at from any angle, you've come out of this with purity of heart. And that is what I was hoping for in the first place when I wrote the letter. My primary concern was not for the one who did the wrong or even the one wronged, but for you—that you would realize and act upon the deep, deep ties between us before God. That's what happened—and we felt just great.
worldly sorrow (shame) vs. Godly sorrow (driving us to God) .....
11-13 And now, isn't it wonderful all the ways in which this distress has goaded you closer to God? You're more alive, more concerned, more sensitive, more reverent, more human, more passionate, more responsible. Looked at from any angle, you've come out of this with purity of heart. And that is what I was hoping for in the first place when I wrote the letter. My primary concern was not for the one who did the wrong or even the one wronged, but for you—that you would realize and act upon the deep, deep ties between us before God. That's what happened—and we felt just great.
worldly sorrow (shame) vs. Godly sorrow (driving us to God) .....
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
Monday, April 5, 2010
I love Carlos Whittaker, reading about his family and their journey...this morning I am tearfully convicted or maybe more jealous....
http://www.ragamuffinsoul.com/2010/04/your-relationship-with-christ-followers/
reading how people see us as judgemental and he's an exception....reading how people see us as no fun .....I will own the journey I am on in seeing my judgementalism....the pain of seeing it over and over hopefully breaking this hard heart of mine to a softness and vulnerablity that will forever eradicate the judgmentalism that has in the past been such a 'go to' thing...I don't know tho something that runs that deep can be hard to shed.....I want to be seen as different tho Abba taking me there is never easy, I never go with you gently or quietly.....so do I want to be seen differently or actually go through the pain of being different??
Why are we seen as no fun?? Why am I??
Abba guide all of us...guide me truly into being different....continue to break me to following You. Help us Abba to bring people to You and not continue to drive them away.
http://www.ragamuffinsoul.com/2010/04/your-relationship-with-christ-followers/
reading how people see us as judgemental and he's an exception....reading how people see us as no fun .....I will own the journey I am on in seeing my judgementalism....the pain of seeing it over and over hopefully breaking this hard heart of mine to a softness and vulnerablity that will forever eradicate the judgmentalism that has in the past been such a 'go to' thing...I don't know tho something that runs that deep can be hard to shed.....I want to be seen as different tho Abba taking me there is never easy, I never go with you gently or quietly.....so do I want to be seen differently or actually go through the pain of being different??
Why are we seen as no fun?? Why am I??
Abba guide all of us...guide me truly into being different....continue to break me to following You. Help us Abba to bring people to You and not continue to drive them away.
Friday, April 2, 2010
Judges 13-16; 2 Corinthians 2
We are chosen and what does that mean??
Samson was chosen.....chosen to 'confront the Philistines'
our stories are written to Glorify God...do I live like that? How could I live it 'better'?
Donald Miller...' I can choose to live a better story' up against Larry Crabb's 'the point of the journey is to want what God wants MORE than anything'
They 'fit' when I believe and follow Your Spirit...
How can I, too old to live a better story more exciting, risky story encourage others to RISK??
Really...what is riskier than believing You have a plan and dedicating our lives to pursuing You and and trusting Your revelation of that plan...I so desire young people to discover Your love...
'the Lord had left him'...due to a woman's nagging he gave up the secret to his power...the woman meant more to him or relief from he nagging meant more to him and he fought against that/ her nagging ...he surrendered to it...instead of holding fast to God's story - God's mission for him...like Moses, fighting against the stubbornness of the Israelites...
to live for You and Your Glory
to live fighting for not against
to live pursuing You
to live with Your portion as enough
I can see the truth in my own life
way more vibrant these last 15years seeking You and Your will more than my happiness or even the happiness of my children
how do I finish so my kids and grands see this...
with....2 Cor. 2: 16 an aroma that brings life
vs. 17 in Christ we speak before God w/sincerity as those sent from God
chosen
sent
to finish with that seal
to live in forgiveness so to forgive
loved so as to love
Help Abba ...to encourage young people
to look at life seeking You and see that THAT is where it's at...excitement and risk and purpose w/passion......
somehow
someway
Please Papa for more to be saved and for Your Glory....
Samson was chosen.....chosen to 'confront the Philistines'
our stories are written to Glorify God...do I live like that? How could I live it 'better'?
Donald Miller...' I can choose to live a better story' up against Larry Crabb's 'the point of the journey is to want what God wants MORE than anything'
They 'fit' when I believe and follow Your Spirit...
How can I, too old to live a better story more exciting, risky story encourage others to RISK??
Really...what is riskier than believing You have a plan and dedicating our lives to pursuing You and and trusting Your revelation of that plan...I so desire young people to discover Your love...
'the Lord had left him'...due to a woman's nagging he gave up the secret to his power...the woman meant more to him or relief from he nagging meant more to him and he fought against that/ her nagging ...he surrendered to it...instead of holding fast to God's story - God's mission for him...like Moses, fighting against the stubbornness of the Israelites...
to live for You and Your Glory
to live fighting for not against
to live pursuing You
to live with Your portion as enough
whatever becomes MORE to us than You destroys us...
I can see the truth in my own life
way more vibrant these last 15years seeking You and Your will more than my happiness or even the happiness of my children
how do I finish so my kids and grands see this...
with....2 Cor. 2: 16 an aroma that brings life
vs. 17 in Christ we speak before God w/sincerity as those sent from God
chosen
sent
to finish with that seal
to live in forgiveness so to forgive
loved so as to love
Help Abba ...to encourage young people
to look at life seeking You and see that THAT is where it's at...excitement and risk and purpose w/passion......
somehow
someway
Please Papa for more to be saved and for Your Glory....
Thursday, April 1, 2010
Judges 11&12; Psalm 50; 2 Corinthians 1
So I don't want to be here this morning....and yet I work so we can travel....I work so we can give...I work and have worked I cannot imagine any other way.....dreams...RISK...comfort...I work so we can achieve dreams and that makes me comfortable...where is RISK in my life??
conversations are RISKY, what if they see who I really am...what I am really passionate about and for....what if I had MORE RISKY conversations, being curious and exploring people more and more leaking out a passionate heart for Christ???
2 Corinthians 1: 21 Now it is God who makes both us and you stand firm in Christ. He anointed us, 22 set his seal of ownership on us, and put his Spirit in our hearts as a deposit, guaranteeing what is to come.
What if I really believed this and just followed wherever You lead.....Please Abba help me to live as I believe.....as my heart speaks of wanting to BE desperately dependent let me live out THAT very dependence.
conversations are RISKY, what if they see who I really am...what I am really passionate about and for....what if I had MORE RISKY conversations, being curious and exploring people more and more leaking out a passionate heart for Christ???
2 Corinthians 1: 21 Now it is God who makes both us and you stand firm in Christ. He anointed us, 22 set his seal of ownership on us, and put his Spirit in our hearts as a deposit, guaranteeing what is to come.
What if I really believed this and just followed wherever You lead.....Please Abba help me to live as I believe.....as my heart speaks of wanting to BE desperately dependent let me live out THAT very dependence.
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