the confusion of yesterday was soft and vulnerable and THAT, that was scary too.....
so color me confused and scared.....
oh and hopeful
gonna write down thots as they come to me today perhaps helping to sort out the confusion:
8:15 AM I waste time and energy being jealous
8:18 AM I get easily overwhelmed
8:32 AM can't stop just tearing up listening to people talk
8:42 AM I 'm just a cry baby
8:57 AM so am I just thinking about myself or am I really seeking You?? I saw yesterday that 'worrying is really just praying to yourself'....crap
9:07 AM love to read about people w/big goals, just too afraid to have one or any myself... hoping that my dependence on Christ and commitment to pointing others to you, reveals in others BIG GOALS..
9:23 AM I really do believe that if more followers of Christ were reading the Bible things would be better...yup...i really do believe that....
9:37 AM yup...still grumpy, but the more people I read and remember why I'm here....nope still grumpy bout that
9:39 AM 5 things it cost Dan to be married to me... need to think on that...THAT oughta make me feel better! NOT
Meeting with people tonite to talk about You in their marriages. I am grateful beyond words what You've done in mine.
10:04 AM someone just asked me some questions that I answered honestly..why is that such a surprise....
10:15 AM I get wayyy too much pleasure out of finding out people I admire and respect ....that we think alike....or at least it is my perception that we do...case in point
10:21 AM ....you know...you read someone like this and you are just so blown away....and get your perspective recalibrated ....
10:32 AM Seriously...today....today I gotta read this...??
10:33 AM and then I'm pissy w/someone on the phone...for crying out loud maybe I need to just stop thinking and work....try to not just 'get through' today....but to somehow work for You...
11:24 AM still freakin teary....afraid of continuing it into tonite....want someone to just HUG me...and you know what if they tried..I'd probably bite their head off
11:27 AM Someone is probably pissed at me and part of me just doesn't care, the other part of me is scared to death and sad....really sad...and in the sadness and fear I get angry again....how to not piss people off...
11:51 AM in thinking about what it cost Dan to be married to me...dang without Christ how could someone do this..without forgiveness how could you look at it ...w/o the Holy Spirit would we really know the cost....I am blown away and yet caught up in the hope that You in our marriage has brought....awwww crap tears again...
2 PM back from lunch.... and no better...sun is shining, it's not circumstances ... it's me...
3:03 PM tonite is communion...how to take it soft and vulnerably when I want to not go...I want to skip and run far away...and now Dan wants to run too....if only and yet to have poisoned him sucks..maybe it's not poison maybe it's.....I don't know..he's as confused as I am and that's OK...
3:42 PM in reading soul care desperately curious and wanting someone to be curious about me....pathetic
3:48 PM finished my 5 things...wondering if they'll even show up tonite... wondering what that bit of reality will stir up in me...wondering if I will ever be about others and realizing until then YOU got me.....
so this little experiement is done.....maybe will look back on it someday and see something other than me wanting what I want...nope..it's all about me.....crap
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