So, when the S blows, she blows BIG.
I blew this past weekend and it wasn’t pretty.
Now, I can tell it funny or I can tell it like the SIN it is…….if I try to go away from the funny I get caught in shame and shame is someplace I can’t get out of….
Funny is easier and then hopefully going back over it can ,if for some reason you can’t see it yourself, show you the big ass Sin for what it is….but the sin of it is usually obvious to others before it is to me, but again if I think of that I will get caught in shame…..
Woke up Saturday and it was a good morning, I really can’t see where it went bad. But it did. And maybe in the telling I will see it….if the softness from seeing it before still resonates in me. Thing is that leaves, the softness, the brokenness.
Woke up Saturday and Dan innocently enough told me he wouldn’t be free until 10 or so in the morning…I guess that ticked me off but for the life of me now, I can’t say why…10 is pretty close to when I too would have been free….no let’s be honest I wanted Dan to want to spend time w/me….he has been , he does serve me so well and I want to be with him all the time…..so when he didn’t respond with a like desire I went ballistic….he even said, kindly I see now but in the moment I felt like he was wanting me to be real and honest in a way that he had every right to assume I would but I couldn’t because he said…I need you to tell me are you crying out to me’…..holy crap would that have been needy or what…would that have been honest or what…what did I do….nope…plain and simple nope….and then what follows is ugly to admit, I like to tell it humorously and not ….I spent 30 minutes at least ranting and raving about how there was no F’ing way I would EVER cry out to him…..:( When really that’s what I wanted to do……but I simply couldn’t or chose not to humble myself to do and then in all reality what if….what if my husband just needed a day to himself…why could I not serve him that way….but no it’s about me…all about me and that to me is shameful…..it took 2 days before I really looked at the shame and headed into seeing it for what it is and ….I don’t know if this makes any sense but it’s the journey I am on and writing it will perhaps help me or someone else struggling in and hopefully through, the same cycles….
So more than seeing my cycles I am seeing Him…. …
I am loving the PAPA Prayer book by Larry Crabb with so much heart and softness, I am blown away. That a life of seeking to find our sin patterns, our wetness…..our depravity yields such softness and dependence on Him in later years……very inspiring and HOPE giving…
He tells the story of going to New York with his young son years ago. And how they planned all this stuff to DO…. being after all in New York City….. how after their first nite they went to Central Park and were playing hide and seek. His son was counting and Larry hid behind a tree in close proximity to his son, how he kept just out of his son’s sight but his son was never out of his. How his son kept looking for him and finally in fear cried out to his Daddy….and in that moment Larry stepped out from behind the tree and his son just grabbed his hand and didn’t care a thing for whatever they were going to DO next, he just wanted to BE WITH HIS DADDY…..that THAT is who God is to and for us, desiring us to simply WANT TO BE WITH HIM and when we are, we get to do the stuff HE wants to show us, the stuff He wants to DO WITH US…I probably am not describing it well but it has impacted me deeply in the why of the Papa Prayer……in desiring Him more and more and more. And maybe in THAT desire comes seeing more and more of me…..knowing it’s Him, all of it…His love staggers me, absolutely staggers me.
And then you read Psalm 29…..there is no fully understanding who You are…I can fully know tho Your Goodness and trust and lean there…..that I can KNOW because of Your Word, Your Son, Your Spirit…….
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